Grow through what you go through 

Quote Unknown.

I didn’t write this post to share, it’s been sitting in my draft folder and it’s not exactly my usual style of glitter and sparkle.

I’ve had a few weeks off of the blog, mainly just balancing myself out and dealing with life. Blogging is fabulous, but it’s always an extra effort for me and being the CEO and cleaner means I take time off when I need it. I wrote this post for cathartic needs just before the UK celebrated Mother’s Day…enjoy x 

I feel sad. I don’t usually…I can’t work out why I feel like this and it’s been going on for more days than I wish to count. I thought it might be because I had a bit of a cold around me, but that can’t be true because despite being a tiny tot of 4ft11 my immune system is 7ft thanks to being at school for over thirty years. It’s half way through term so I thought it might be that, but the light of spring mornings means the weight of work isn’t so heavy…

And then it dawned on me.Mothers day. Since 2009 I’ve hated this day. I wasn’t a huge fan before; it’s fake much like valentines and all the other days the gift world, flower companies and card manufacturers like to celebrate by lining their pockets. This one is the worst, my least favourite. 

After my daughter died this day felt empty. My eyes opened to every person who has lost their Mum, been bought up without their Mum, adopted, split families, missing families because of living abroad, dysfunctional families – frankly just not being able to hug, kiss or buy an over priced card for her. I also realised that due to the inevitability of death, we all would experience this pain at some point. The day seems sour. For Dads I guess the same would go for Father’s Day…

I thought having my son would feel the Mother’s Day void – it doesn’t. It just reminds me of what I’ve missed. Today he came home with some seeds in a pot and a homemade card (thanks Nursery) and I realised I should of received one of these already by now, grief sapped the joy and left me holding a pot of soil. He will start school in September, Gracie should be eight by then, so I should be a school run Mum pro…but I’m not, I haven’t a clue and until much nearer the time I shall live in a state of denial. 

Greiving is endless and it never stops. It doesn’t get easier and nothing can replace, alter or change our situation. You do enter a club – it’s a special death club, entry is something nobody in the club signed up for and it comes with a life time membership card and not so much as a free pen. Your only positive is you are able to help or ease others who join the club after you, be it through illness or miscarriage…helping others and understanding is my only reward. 

Other reasons I hate Mother’s Day include the fact you can’t escape it. Adverts on TV, pubs will bill boards outside, supermarkets with dedicated isles…you can’t even go out for a meal to escape it – not even mothers with children can book tables on this day.

You can stay inside but then you feel like your hiding. I couldn’t even buy my own amazing Mum a card for several years after my daughter died – this was mainly due to being scared of entering the shop without needing years of therapy, or crying on a Saturday girl who had an orange line of foundation around her face and in my own sadness saying something about it umongst the tears and endless snot, not to mention the hideous hyperventilating breathing. So I didn’t buy the card and she understood and never questioned. This is what makes her the best Mum in the universe and this is why I celebrate Mother’s Day nearly everyday of the year by calling her and ending each call with ‘love you bye’… keep your over priced roses, your posh choccies and a Mug that says ‘Mum’ I’m going 80s Maureen Lipman style /BT adverts – just call her because you can, if you are blessed to be able to.


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32 thoughts on “Grow through what you go through 

  1. Oh lovely. I can’t pretend to understand how you feel but I offer my sympathy. Grief is a complex monster and seems to rear its head more on certain occasions. Mothers Day is tainted for me due to different reasons and I agree with you when you say its hard to escape from. Much love xx

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    1. Absolutely. I remember being small and asking my mum why we didn’t have a daughters day, she respond by saying everyday is daughters day. As a Mother now i realise how blooming right she was

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  2. I hope that getting the post from drafts to published, perhaps helped released some of those pent up thoughts and feelings. Sending you lots of love and strength. And thanks for being brave enough to share x #eatsleepblogrt

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  3. Oh sweet! One of my very good friends feels the same. She lost her son, and the day was so he’s for her, even though she now has two girls. I think you’re right. Grief never leaves us and why should it? Pain is good, a little reminder of what we have lost. I can’t imagine what you’re going through but please, if you ever need to talk to somebody random, then I’m here.
    After my PND the only person I could talk about it too without feeling stupid was a random woman I’d met once but had FB friended her. I’d helped so much. #MarvMondays

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    1. what a lovely soul you are, many thanks. I have an excellent team of sparkle and delight but thank you for even offering. TBH you have to keep your eyes on grief, sometimes it strikes when you least expect it.

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  4. No wonder you find mother’s day so stressful, you poor thing, I’m not a fan myself, my kids always forget now they are older and I find it very stressful getting it right for my own mum. My worries pale into insignificance next to your memories though. Big hugs xxx
    #MarvMondays

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    1. I guess we all have times of year we would rather not acknowledge – i just chose to share them on the world wide web 😉 I’ve not really met anyone who is a fan – may be we should on mass boycott it (but i am partial to brekkie in bed)

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  5. Oh lovely, this made me so sad to read but thank you for sharing it. I hate mothers day too because my mum died 3 years ago this summer. Everything an event like this rolls round, it feels like someone has punched me in the stomach as I remember. Losing your own child is infinitely worse that that. I can’t even begin to imagine how it much feel but even the thought of it reduces me to tears.

    I hope you are feeling a little better now the blantant reminders are no longer being shoved in your face every 5 minutes. Just cuddle your little boy a bit tighter and know that your daughter is with you in spirit. xxx

    #MarvMondays

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  6. Ah Lucy these occasional more reflective posts from you just show that life can’t always be sparkly. It’s so true that Mother’s Day can be so hard for so many people and the spectre of consumerism does fall heavily over it. I’m so sorry you haven’t been feeling yourself and hope the Easter hols help a little. You write so poingnantly anout your loss, it always catches my breath and reminds me what a remarkable lady you must be to to still see life from the ‘glass half full’ perspective. Lots of love xxx

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  7. You have brought a tear to my eye here. I am so sorry for your loss. I am just entering the grief club at the moment – my grandmother who brought me up (so more a mum to me really) has been unconscious for months now and is now moving into hospice care. The thing you said about picking up the phone. I live so far from her and the phone was the main connection we have had in recent years. I keep reaching for it to tell her about my day and then realise there is no one at the other end. (hugs) Thanks for linking up to #EatSleepBlogRT. Hope you join again next week.

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  8. See that’s the things the general public doesn’t think about! I think any holiday can potentially bring hurt though depending on an individual’s circumstances & memories. I love your quote – I think if we can grow & learn from what happens in life then we can achieve something from the process. I hope you enjoyed the Easter holidays! Thanks for sharing with us at #candidcuddles x

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