I could explain, but I won’t

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

All behaviour has a function. Its the fundamental rule of being a behaviour specialist, even if it’s subconscious and we don’t realise it, every behaviour is learnt and repeated to receive a desired affect or to make us feel a certain way or gain something from those around us.

As long as we don’t cause distress to others we are only accountable for our behaviour to ourselves. This allows us to be free in our authenticity and often results in us creating goals and habits that help us achieve them. Issues occurs when we don’t align our behaviour/actions with our outcomes.

Consistency is often missing from goals and if we reflect back to a period of time when we did that habit for the longest period, it’s logical that that’s when we saw the most success. Take exercise as an example- perhaps you ran consistently all of last summer, got injured in the early Autumn and from then on your consistency due to weather, pain and resting became inconsistent – you don’t need to start again from scratch, you need to analyse the pattern of last year, what worked well? Running first thing in the morning (do more of that), what didn’t work well? Not enough rest days so injury occurred and excuses if it was raining (do less of that)…so now we can create an improved routine – morning runs every three mornings, then a day off – repeat indefinitely with no weather excuses… when we make that nonnegotiable our experience a consistently improved is our outcome. If we want long term success with that goal, then we will need to analyse that behaviour pattern again every few months, life happens and things change – perhaps you change jobs and can no longer run in the mornings, you have a baby in the house and sleep deprivation means rest days need to become more frequent for a period of time.

Humans become stuck when we consistently run old patterns of behaviour that no longer serve us but we do it for one simple reason ‘we always have’ or we don’t react to new circumstances, such as age, life style changes or outside factors such as family illness that have a knock on affect to us.

Take time out over the next few weeks to reflect on your current patterns and which are serving you and which you may need to alter. And remember if it makes sense to you and doesn’t hurt those around you, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your actions. Do you – that’s your super power.

13yrs collect things

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Before I ask my son twenty questions (you can look back in the archives and see his younger year answers), he was outraged that I’d cut the question ‘what’s your favourite colour?’ I did this aged about nine because he always said green. He’d like you all to know it’s teal – a huge change I think we can all agree. That’s the reminder that this post always teaches me, my son came into the world knowing himself and very little has altered. He is quirky and odd, hyperactive and hyper focused on his sports and interests, he isn’t interested in what’s trending and I’ve no doubt that his forty five year old answers will be similar, perhaps preferring cobalt blue to teal…

1.What’s something I might not know about you? I dunno? There isn’t really anything you don’t know

2. If you were a teacher and you had to teach your students something, what would it be? Drama. It’s just adults playing

3. What’s your favourite fruit? Water Melon

4. What do you like to watch on TV? Suicide squad is my favourite movie, comedy is good to chill with too

5. What do you like to eat at lunch? Ciabatta with ham and cheese

6. Who’s in your family? My Mum, Dad, Pearl (our dog) Burple (leopard Ghecko) and Nathaniel (tortoise), Nanny and Grandad times two!

7. What item of clothing do you most like to wear? My Tamper Bay T-shirt

8. What game do you like to play? Avengers on Xbox one

9. What’s your favourite animal? Shark

10. What song do you most like? Metallica ‘For whom the bell tolls’

11. What makes you feel thankful? Being loved by a good family

12. Favourite book? Batman V Predator (comic)

13. What makes a good friend? Loyalty and helping each other out

14. What’s your favourite sport? Judo

15. If you had a pet dragon what would you name it? Bruce

16. What do you sleep with? Pillows and Orco (large whale from IKEA)

17. What do you like best for breakfast? Fruit loops or French toast  

18. What qualities are important in a person? Kindness but standing your ground, it’s a balance combination

19. What do you think the world needs more of? Good people

20. What’s your favourite dinner? Pizza and macaroni cheese. (Yup, he mixes them and this has been a firm favourite since forever)

We already have enough

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

This week I’m sharing with you a lesson I taught myself this week…honestly, it felt like I’d slapped myself in the face.

Last night I was scrolling on Instagram and found a reel of a woman who was doing a food challenge. The challenge consisted of seeing how long she could eat out of the food already in her house, rather than top up shop every few days. In the reel (it was about day seven) she was substituting ingredients such as cream with yoghurt or peas for frozen broccoli, I don’t follow the person online but scrolled up to see how many days she’d be able to do the challenge for. I was shocked to see it ended on day ten, in fact even on day ten she’d bought some chicken to go with her evening meal…regardless I was surprised because she hadn’t taken the challenge to her own discomfort eg. Day 10034 and I’ve eaten a teaspoon of jam and a pickle. instead, she feedback that she’d realised how privileged we are. We don’t necessarily cook with the ingredients we have, instead the consumer culture encourages us to have want we want to eat and if we don’t have it, it’s easily purchased in an accessible store.

As someone that does a large family shop each month and then frequents local stores several times a week for one or two things this resonated with me. Mainly, as those one or two things becomes much larger and I end up purchasing ‘treats’ and food that we don’t necessarily need.

I was still thinking about this concept the next day and decided I would make it my next blog. Home alone I was saying out loud what I would write and how I would structure the post, planning and scripting as I go, like most working parents I did this whilst also baking. I make most of our meals from scratch and a regular in my baking cycle is sourdough and homemade Soreen, Half way through adding my ingredients for the Soreen into my mixing bowl I realised I was out of dried fruit. How could I be talking about not over consuming whilst also thinking about when I could nip to the shops for some dried fruit! The ingredients (minus the dried fruit) were in the bowl – it was too late to not make it? That said Soreen without mixed fruit is well.,, brown mush?

I double checked my larder in hope that a bag of dried mixed fruit might appear when the slap to my face hit me…I didn’t have mixed fruit but I did have some dried cranberries and some (potentially passed their sell by date) raisins…I could adapt.

That’s exactly what I did. The slap felt huge mainly as I was learning about privilege and entitlement in that very same moment that my instinct was hardwired to ‘I’ll pop to the shop and get some’

Whilst I can’t promised I’ll succeed, I am resolute in trying to change this programming. We can make do, we can use alternatives and I believe it will take repetition to alter my mindset but it’s something I’m committed to trying and would encourage you to try too!

Lastly, of course the cranberry and raisins worked beautifully and my family didn’t even notice the difference.

Sometimes soft girl, sometimes dinosaur

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As I read this quote I took it to mean, sometimes princess and sometimes warrior…I’m now reflecting that perhaps it meant sometimes young and sometimes old. Well, we haven’t time for aging – far too much life to experience! That leaves us with soft girl and ferocious beast. I am both, we all are. We aren’t one dimensional beings, we are complex hypocritical, emotionally vulnerable and sensitively beings. We are making this crazy thing called life work and some days we do better than others.

I have never grown out of climbing trees – trees are calming and fun and the views are often better than you think. I hope I never grow out of climbing trees. The other day it was sunny, I had a plain white T-shirt on and a peach coloured tutu with white converse. We had decided to go out for a spontaneous evening walk. The forest was covered in dapple light and fading bluebells hanging on to their last moments of bloom. As we made our way through the woodland I saw a tree that needed to be climbed. Under my tutu (I work in schools) I had on some cycling shorts to avoid any awkward blusters of wind. The boys said I shouldn’t climb the tree as I might rip my skirt….the soft dress girl internally roared and I hoisted my tutu into my shorts and climbed the tree. Imagine a ball of candy floss climbing a tree… that was me. When I got to the branch I’d set my eyes on I released my skirt and let it lightly blow in the wind…I am both soft and dino roaring. Making my way down was a little difficult until I threw my tutu down ahead of me and popped it back on when I was ‘back on solid earth’ – some fights aren’t worth having.

You are not one thing and you get to decide what you want to be. You can be brave and scared – most adults are. You can be soft and hard – we are walking contradictions and it’s this simple act that makes us interesting to live alongside. We can do what we please and yes of course we have to live with the consequences but often if we are true to ourselves the consequences are easier to live with. Don’t let people tell you who to be, how to be or what to do, you aren’t a robot and your super power is that you are uniquely you, so wear the tutu and climb tree.

Travel light and trust in serendipity

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Quote by Mike Brown

Last week I went to a funeral. As it turned out it was a stunning tribute to a legendary gentleman. The morning of the funeral a friend who lives in Ireland said he was sending his Mum on his behalf. I said I would look out for her and give her a hug. In that moment I felt hugely privileged to be able to attend and remarked that I would catch up with him after.

Then life happened and inorder to get to the funeral I had to leave super early and battle the M25 – for people who don’t live in the UK imagine the biggest motorway built to ease congestion, that is absolutely the worst congested road in the county….now you can appreciate what the M25 experience can be.

I left plenty of time and arrived early. I was flying solo on this trip so I spoke to various people as we waited to enter the crematorium. It was a hugely overcrowded event with standing room seeping out of the venue. I was making small talk with another friend and noticed an older lady alone. She looked lost in thought, sad and isolated. I remarked that going to these places isn’t just sad for the occasion we’re here for, but often takes us back to when we may have visited previously, she looked familiar but I couldn’t place her. I was instantly concerned that the lady wasn’t ok.

My friend and I managed to get two of the last three seats, then next to me sat the lady I had seen outside. My extrovert skills kicked in and I simply had to check where I knew her from and ensure she felt loved. I asked her if she was a neighbour of the deceased. She remarked that she was there on her son’s behalf…before she could complete the word ‘son’ I had leapt out of my skin, flown to the moon and came down shouting his name! She confirmed she was my friends Mum and I threw my arms around her, explaining that only that morning had I promised him that I would hug her.

Suddenly the sadness I had seen outside evaporated, she smiled and I cant describe how her eyes glistened. She remarked on how she was feeling and I remarked that she was not alone, we then briefly spoke about when we last saw each other – approximately 25 years a go in Lincoln, she remembered the occasion as it was her sisters birthday. The service began and we simply sat next to each other, I was honestly blown away. This was not a coincidence. There were hundreds of people in the room – somehow we were sat next to each other.

I truly believe in magic, I deeply believe that there are powers above us that we don’t understand, nor do we need to understand- that are often working in our favour. I believe there are people we have connections to, perhaps from previous lives or connections too complex for us to understand. I do know that me noticing her outside the venue and then being sat next to her was not a coincidence.

I instantly knew I wanted to capture this moment on the blog, it might sound small but in the moment it felt mighty. It felt uplifting and it made me feel incredible. The message from today’s blog is simple; Stay open to serendipitous moments and be open to magic enriching our lives.

Sometimes we don’t need more, we need different

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Many quotes, books and wisdom suggests that humans are just like plants…just more complex around the edges, but we still need water, sunlight and soil, or in the human case – a good foundation that’s fertile.

Often areas of our lives can become stagnant and we’re unsure why we are not thriving. This reminded me of an assembly I did years ago and I thought I’d share the story here.

If you go into a restaurant you can order what’s on the menu. What you can’t do is order pasta at McDonalds or burgers in a curry house. It’s not that you are asking for too much, it’s just in that environment those things don’t exist. In some work places you may be asking for pasta when they serve burgers, in some relationships you may be wondering why your partner is talking about pizza when you’ve believe they should serve salads.

In case I’ve distracted this post with too many food analogies and you are reading this hungry let me cut to the chase. Sometimes we ask our friends to support us and they don’t have capacity, we ask our partners to be romantic and they aren’t wired that way – what we receive (if anything) is an inauthentic experience that feels false and doesn’t meet your needs. You aren’t asking for too much, you are not too much and you are not the problem – the relationship is.

Just like indoor plants, we can out grow our pots. If you find yourself doubting yourself, it might not be you. It might be that your roots have grown and it’s time to expand your horizons.

I am half flowers, half flaws

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Anon

Perfection is often an illusion that is heavily subjective. One persons flaw is another’s flowers. We also often hold in our hands bunches of flowers and never realise how beautiful they are. We can be blindsided by what we do have and our sneaky brains will often highlight insecurities or lack. We long for more or a variation on what we do have – forgetting to pause and smell the flowers.

Easy to type and so hard to address in our day to day lives.

With the sun shining in the UK I find it much easier to see the positives in my own life, weather is not just a conversation topic for everyone we meet (if you’ve been to the UK you’ll know exactly what I mean) the vitamin D and lighter evenings encourage us to get outside more, move more and generally mean we are in a better mental space.

Flaws still exist in the sunshine though and it’s recognising the balance that we all carry. We all have unique skill sets that make us awesome and frustrating to live with. The Yin and Yang are much like the flowers and flaws suggested in this quote. Love often recognises both, and means you love them more for their flaws – it’s doesn’t mean those flaws don’t frustrate, enrage or frustrate you, but the magic of love means they become bearable as you see the whole person. Looking through rose tinted glasses often isn’t the answer to our issues, but they are worth peeping through for perspective. Sometimes we can reframe issues, let them go or accept them and within that process we can find peace. My son is never going to be tidy, I’m never going to stop talking and Mr F will never find peace in this household, somewhere in the chaos of flaws are miles of flowered meadows awaiting to be smelt, seen and appreciated. Of course, keeping the rose tinted glasses on is delusional, but finding the balance and seeking to appreciate both our own flowers and those we surround ourselves by is where the magic of love and peace blossom.

This week buy yourself some flowers.

I am a mosaic of everyone I’ve ever loved

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Quote Anon

Initially, we are heavily influenced by our parents, not just our DNA but our homes environments cultures, traditions and how we approach basic tasks; in some houses you remove your shoes, others you pop on slippers, some bare feet survices…some sit at a table to eat together, others join in unison on the sofa. In turn, as we grow we subconsciously absorb these as our own, not just how we do things but how we think, our moral compass and often our beliefs,

The influence doesn’t stop there, many children and teens want their hair styled and clothes to look like celebrities they admire. As a little person of the eighties I always loved a pair of patent shiny boots with sparkles on them and titled them appropriately as my Michael Jackson boots, my friend once got her hair cut like Posh spice (she regretted it for months) and I think every teen of the early nineties styled their hair like Rachel from the TV show Friends.

We are made up of what we have seen, who we spend our time with and what we hold close to us. We really are mosaics of those we love.

As our loved ones pass on, I like to think that they continue in the mosaics of those they leave behind. Some bring colour, others intricate design – some leave cracks and others leave very little.

In life we can love and by proxy, pass on small parts of ourselves. Strangers can be influenced by the kindness and compassion of people, and in turn we may pass on mosaic pieces without even realising it. Life really is a large floor plan and each piece we add (or deduct) along the way makes for a unique piece of art. May your life be more beautiful than you’d hoped.

I am out with lanterns looking for myself

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Emily Dickinson

What a fabulous quote. I had to pop it on the fridge, it has a frivolous feeling and yet feels deep and tender, with a twist of romance…

It doesn’t matter how much you know yourself, take time to align and balance the various elements of life…sometimes we get lost or forget what brings us joy or what we need to say no to. Each stage of life brings new joys and challenges, things that once bought us joy can feel like they are causing us to drown and at times new experiences can offer new perspectives, if we are open to receiving them.

Emily’s quote expresses the need to shine the light on the dark areas of life, the ones we hide away due to shame or overwhelm, the bits of us that live in the shadows because ‘shining a light’ on the issue then involves us having to do something about it. Facing fears sounds hugely dramatic but often we know that there are daily small tasks we should tackle but often pop into our shadows. In the shadows these small tasks can multiply, small leaks become floods, chipped paint that could be sanded and repainted in minutes becomes a bigger issues that requires sections to be replaced. I know this because I have a plethora of tasks hidden in my shadows. One of the stupidest tasks that I hate doing is washing the kitchen floor, however I have learnt time and time again that it takes under 15 minutes and makes me feel seriously satisfied- it’s a stupid task because I know all of this and still put it off, perhaps on reflection I’m stupid and the task is basic.

As we step into a new season and spring beckons us in with a daffodil of joy and a sprinkle of sunlight to inspire us, it’s time to reflect on where we are in our own journey, each season often needs us to adjust our sails and this quote reminds us where to focus our attention, obviously mine includes the kitchen floor but also other goals such as a consistent exercise routine and making myself accountable in other areas. Sometimes it’s not action that is required, often it’s rest. At other reflective moments we realise that we need to rebalance the time we are spending on one activity and redirect action in another area – it’s not more, it’s just different. As we head into spring where do you need to shine your lantern, where can you see gains that are currently stagnant? They’ll always be shadows when there is light, you don’t need to tackle it all today, but you don’t want the darkness to consume you either.

We remember moments

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Quote by Cesare Pevese

As a parent I’m good at creating moments for my son. Spontaneous moments, magical moments or disbelief moments ‘I can’t believe you did that!’ – this is who I am.

It began with my son’s hairdressers appointment in a local village to us. He is often reluctant to go, but honestly it’s been so long since his last appointment that he looked like a Lego man and even he recognised that it wasn’t a desirable vibe. As we were leaving the house my spontaneous magic decided to take our tortoise with us, it was a sunny day and I thought he’d enjoy it, plus the hairdresser has a lovely little garden attached to it for him to explore. We got in the car and my son took care of the tortoise, im spontaneous but I’m not a ‘tortoise and drive’ kinda woman. I’m always early for appointments so we had half an hour for my son to grab a meal deal and we browsed the local shops, we went into one shop and as the shop sold food, I popped the Tortoise in my handbag, I didn’t want to upset anybody and frankly he loves a dark hole.

My handbag is a little extra (see Instagram reels for more details) but it has an old fashion telephone handle attached to it. In the shop was another mother and son, the boy was about seven and he noticed my bag. He muttered something about it to his Mum and I said ‘It cool isn’t it, want me to blow your brain – the phone works’ he smiled and his Mum complimented the bag. I looked at the little boy and said ‘If you really want you brain blown I have a tortoise in my bag’ – at this point the boy looked at his Mim confused and I have to agree it’s not an average thing to hear. I carefully took Nathaniel out (that’s out Tortoise’s name) and the boys smile exploded across the shop. It was huge. He began to giggle and I asked if he’d like to hold him, he did and as he handed the tortoise back to me I wished his Mum and the boy a wonderful weekend.

As we walked over to the hairdressers where Nathaniel snoozed in a sun spot content with life’s offerings, my son remarked on how happy the boy had been. He joked I was like Mary Poppins and we giggled about Nathaniel spreading joy. We wondered if he would remember it in disbelief, or tell other people and it seems like a magic trick. My son thinks he’ll probably badger his Mum for his own Tortoise.

Either way, we spread a little joy and created a beautiful moment for a little boy. I should probably add we often take our pets on adventures but always with their comfort and safety first. Perhaps you have had a similar experience or feel inspired to share some joy. It’s doesn’t have to be the same as our experience, maybe it’s just paying a compliment to someone who needs to hear they are beautiful, or appreciating a moment with a stranger. Spreading joy and taking time to interact with the world around you is the best way to make unplanned memories of magic.