Forever is composed of nows

Quote Emily Dickinson

Regularly fridge dwellers will know I’m a huge Disney fan, but the films always seem to stop at the happy ever after part…then what happens? How does the couple make it through, still smiling at the end? Perhaps with a blue bird or two on their shoulders?

Mr F has been part of my universe since about 2005, absorbing my heart fully in 2008 (before we were just friends), having a joint bank account and mortgage since 2009, getting down on one knee in 2011 and living each day side by side.

Monday marks his birthday, another year around the sun, another year he doesn’t want any gifts (I didn’t fall for a material guy), another year he doesn’t want cake (A lesson here ‘always check the small print’ I think the line about birthday cake was missed out and let’s be honest I always want cake), he’s a no fuss, ‘crack on’ kind of guy. So much so he confuses my concept of time, sometimes I feel like we’ve been locked in a tower for a hundred years together and at other times, it seems we’re just beginning the journey and stepping into the carriage.

Close friends will know I describe him as the string to my balloon – My world is made of huge ideas, spontaneous actions and impulses! He grabs my ankles before I float off and grounds me, he reminds me of my priorities, of what I’m trying to achieve and he holds me still…still enough to process my thoughts but he would never pop my balloon. He rarely says no and every time I come back through our front door from an adventure he always asks how my day was. He is extremely good at listening and sucks at knowing where the dishwasher is located and how to use it.

He can’t fold a bath towel but he makes up for that when he cooks! He does the lions share of dog walks and without him she may go unfed…he also feeds the Gecko and runs an awesome bubble bath. *not at the same time. He rarely smiles, but when he does it’s worth the wait.

On Friday I asked him if he’d like to celebrate at the weekend or on the Monday of his actual birthday, he surprised me by suggesting some places he like to go out to eat…I then had to explain that our eight year old had already planned somewhere to go. He smiled and said ‘that’s fine’…he’s relaxed nature is something I’m forever grateful for, particularly when chaos hits. When darkness strikes and our worlds are thrown upside down I turn into a tornado of emotion and extreme, he speaks calmly…takes full control and problem solves like a Jedi warrior. If I’m ever ill, he is practical…he’ll make me a cup of tea, remove the bouncing child and allow me to sleep, what he won’t indulge in is my dramatic list of ‘what if’s’

Emily Dickinson is right, there is no ‘forever’ but just lots of nows. Each moment adding to the depths of forever. Some moments we share are joyful like snuggling on the sofa laughing together over a new streamed series, some I enjoy more than him (like when he brings me tea in bed most mornings), others are mundane like who picks the little dude up from school, some nows have been sad, tragic and complicated…but we have survived and at times thrives.

When you have a baby many people tell you it passes so quickly, whilst I agree, I also think that my own ‘growing up’ is also whizzing past…how the heck did I become the adult in this reality series called my life? Whilst we can’t control time, we can make sure our ‘nows’ make an awesome forever to look back on.

Happy birthday Mr F, you mean the world to us. Thank you for all you do and here’s to another year of nows – hopefully with more happiness, travel and laughs.

P.S the dishwasher is located on the right hand side of the kettle. It looks like a cupboard but don’t let that fool you.

Every moment matters

Quote Anon

I’m not sure how long a moment is? Seconds, milliseconds, fleeting glances, twinkles, sprinkles and winks…they go without much thought and when they make us feel special, it’s like an inner firework display – lightening us up from our toes through our internal system and bursting out of our smile…have you ever experienced a moment that you wanted to freeze, either because it was so wonderful or because it came just before inevitable sadness that you’d like to prevent?

Our lives are made of moments, strung together like fairy lights…at times the batteries fail and we spend time in darkness. Or perhaps (people) light bulbs become a little loose and they need replacing. We get to create our own fairy lights of life…moments of joy, beautiful colours, adventures and laughter with the people we decide are worthy.

My son spoke about wanting to be an adult the other day, of how exciting it was going to be – getting to make all of the decisions, earning lots of money and spending it on ‘all of the toys’…inside my brain was turning, wondering how to introduce taxes, bills, mortgages, food and the ever dull cycles that go with responsibilities…I decided to not to bother. Instead we grabbed our coats and headed out for a spontaneous hot chocolate, that 50p extra was a great investment for marshmallows…moments pass and we do get to decide what we do with them. This post isn’t about you not paying your mortgage this month and instead buying marshmallows (wow, that would be a lot of puffs of sugar and air!), of course we need to invest in our homes, putting food on the table, making positive decisions and I believe these things also make for a beautiful set of ‘fairy lights’…how many people would love to be able to know their food bill was taken care of or that a roof over their families head was a given…moments matter.

In the moment we forget what we have, of how bright our fairy light life already is, we sometimes hide our string of lights in a box, we don’t want people to think they are too bright, or not bright enough…in the moment we sometimes care what others think, we sometimes care more about what others think…and in the moment sometimes we don’t think at all. The delightful news is…none of these options are wrong, everyone’s fairy lights are unique and if they’re beautiful to you then that’s all that matters.

Thank you in this moment for choosing to read my blog. It makes me happy to write, to share my whimsical thoughts, my passing ideas and my bizarre obsession with metaphors. I hope that you realise how precious life already is, I hope you can use this moment to reflect on all you already have and I wish whatever state your fairy lights are in you can use the next moments to undo any knots and enjoy them strung up across your soul.

P.s. even fairy lights need new batteries every now and then, so don’t forget to recharge.