One day…

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When I grow up I want to be a Mermaid. I blame Ariel and Eric, oh and Sebastian the crab (lobster?) well you get the idea. 

I love swimming and brushing my hair, I have a great collection of both bikinis and shells…Unlike The Little Mermaid I’m thinking ‘down there where it’s wetter’ may be more ideal. (No innuendo intended) 

I do like to eat seafood which may mean I’m a little friendless but ultimately I feel I have both the skill and capacity for taking my new lifestyle to the next level. 

So one day I will be a Mermaid, what am I waiting for? Why delay? Well, I’m actually waiting for techno dudes to stop concentrating on fighting deadly virus’s and creating sustainer villages, iPhone 800’s and such to focus on building me a fin. Several years ago there was a craze to crochet mermaids tails, my mum said she would give it a go for me but I’m not sure a fabric that isn’t water proof is what I’m looking for in my attempt to be ‘Part of that World’ long term. 

If you think I’m being ridiculous then you’ve misunderstood the tone of my post, one day I will be a Mermaid. When I was four I decided I wanted to be a Teacher. I would line my dolls and teddies in lines and take the register for hours in preparation…an education and a degree later and I MADE IT. 

However, perhaps if this is ‘day one’ I really should think about some of the obstacles in my current life and try tackling them, after all we all need a plan. Plus you can’t always trust in technology taking its time, what if my fin arrives sooner than expected? Firstly, I wrinkle in water – Arial seemed wrinkless in the 90 minute animation, so perhaps I could increase my wrinkle cream rountine and take longer baths in preparation. (Tick)

Also, I’m not a fan of being cold – so family move to a hot climate with tropical sea conditions may be necessary. I’ve just asked Mr F about this and although keen on a warmer climate I feel he isn’t taking the move seriously, I could be wrong but the sentence construction he just used involved many blue words not found in the dictionary and ended with ‘are you still talking’.

Whilst I get him use to the global migration of our family I’ll tackle another issue – I’m not keen on getting my hair wet. Yes, I am that blonde in the pool who over stretches her neck and gives children evil glances for even thinking of splashing her with the liquid she is surrounded in. I’ve watched the Disney classic again and from what I can see in or out of the water Arial has the same insanely gorgeous hair, so perhaps this comes with the fin? Like a bolt on can for phone contracts… (half tick)

Still reading and thinking I’m insane…no more insane than you if you have a dream and today isn’t your ‘day one’, leave the ‘one days’ to Disney and make those dreams happen. 

Grow through what you go through 

Quote Unknown.

I didn’t write this post to share, it’s been sitting in my draft folder and it’s not exactly my usual style of glitter and sparkle.

I’ve had a few weeks off of the blog, mainly just balancing myself out and dealing with life. Blogging is fabulous, but it’s always an extra effort for me and being the CEO and cleaner means I take time off when I need it. I wrote this post for cathartic needs just before the UK celebrated Mother’s Day…enjoy x 

I feel sad. I don’t usually…I can’t work out why I feel like this and it’s been going on for more days than I wish to count. I thought it might be because I had a bit of a cold around me, but that can’t be true because despite being a tiny tot of 4ft11 my immune system is 7ft thanks to being at school for over thirty years. It’s half way through term so I thought it might be that, but the light of spring mornings means the weight of work isn’t so heavy…

And then it dawned on me.Mothers day. Since 2009 I’ve hated this day. I wasn’t a huge fan before; it’s fake much like valentines and all the other days the gift world, flower companies and card manufacturers like to celebrate by lining their pockets. This one is the worst, my least favourite. 

After my daughter died this day felt empty. My eyes opened to every person who has lost their Mum, been bought up without their Mum, adopted, split families, missing families because of living abroad, dysfunctional families – frankly just not being able to hug, kiss or buy an over priced card for her. I also realised that due to the inevitability of death, we all would experience this pain at some point. The day seems sour. For Dads I guess the same would go for Father’s Day…

I thought having my son would feel the Mother’s Day void – it doesn’t. It just reminds me of what I’ve missed. Today he came home with some seeds in a pot and a homemade card (thanks Nursery) and I realised I should of received one of these already by now, grief sapped the joy and left me holding a pot of soil. He will start school in September, Gracie should be eight by then, so I should be a school run Mum pro…but I’m not, I haven’t a clue and until much nearer the time I shall live in a state of denial. 

Greiving is endless and it never stops. It doesn’t get easier and nothing can replace, alter or change our situation. You do enter a club – it’s a special death club, entry is something nobody in the club signed up for and it comes with a life time membership card and not so much as a free pen. Your only positive is you are able to help or ease others who join the club after you, be it through illness or miscarriage…helping others and understanding is my only reward. 

Other reasons I hate Mother’s Day include the fact you can’t escape it. Adverts on TV, pubs will bill boards outside, supermarkets with dedicated isles…you can’t even go out for a meal to escape it – not even mothers with children can book tables on this day.

You can stay inside but then you feel like your hiding. I couldn’t even buy my own amazing Mum a card for several years after my daughter died – this was mainly due to being scared of entering the shop without needing years of therapy, or crying on a Saturday girl who had an orange line of foundation around her face and in my own sadness saying something about it umongst the tears and endless snot, not to mention the hideous hyperventilating breathing. So I didn’t buy the card and she understood and never questioned. This is what makes her the best Mum in the universe and this is why I celebrate Mother’s Day nearly everyday of the year by calling her and ending each call with ‘love you bye’… keep your over priced roses, your posh choccies and a Mug that says ‘Mum’ I’m going 80s Maureen Lipman style /BT adverts – just call her because you can, if you are blessed to be able to.

It’s up to you…

Quote by Anon.

The worst part of growing up for me is responsibility. It’s inevitable and it means you have to ‘own’ your actions. This seems easy enough but usually feels like hard work.

I remember walking out of hospital with my new born bundle and wondering why nobody was questioning me, where was the security, the paperwork? Seriously it’s harder work to go through airport security and I had more paperwork when I recently bought a new kettle. I got home and looked at his sleepy face and realised this was forever… ouch, that’s some serious responsibility. (I probably should of been more aware of this during the pregnancy but I’ve never been the sharpest tool in the box)

On Friday one of my chicks lost her shizzle…her words were something along the lines of ‘Being happy is hard work’ and I’d have to agree. I’m a half full glass kind of lady and I need to make something clear to all glasses, cups and China implements. On behalf of all cheerleaders, positive people, glass half full, over full and anything on the side of joy…we have days that suck too. However, I guess I’m a little quicker to pick myself up and much more resilient in looking at the world around me and finding some joy to grip to when the darker days hang over me. As a result I may be guilty of making positive vibes look easy…it’s not. It’s a decision I make multiple times a day. To see the silver linings and not look at them as grey. It’s all about perception and an internal battle to stay happy.

How? Instagram helps me to post physical photos and capture them in what I hope becomes an album of positive vibes. I sometimes then look through the photos on darker days and it instantly lifts my universe. Especially the selfies 🙂

This was my latest photo and you can follow me @fridgesays for lots more like it. This was even a #nofilterneeded , get me and my iPhone camera!

I do a similar thing on Pinterest, it’s like going shopping and collaborating lots of gorgeous items without the price tag, although one day it would be nice if a few of those lovely images jumped into my wardrobe.

I keep a gratitude journal that helps me to keep centred and I love reading it back to myself. I also keep a ‘get done’ book, where I list mainly household chores that need a magical wand over them and then I tick them off with love and sparkle.

But honestly, mostly I stay mindful and make a CHOICE to stay positive. To smile, to compliment others and to stay as sunny as I can be. Why do I bother? I guess mainly it’s my preferred natural state to be in but also I want to be upbeat for others to see, experience and be part of.

We live to experience. If I’m flat out on a tropical beach or popping items in my trolley at the supermarket, I’m always going to make a choice to experience the best it can offer – no matter the task at hand. I don’t win everyday, and certainly not every moment but the internal battle to keep my glass half full and even sneak a few extra drops is at the top of my ‘get done’ list everyday.

How do you stay positive during the day?