Find your equal, not your whole

Quote from Mia.

I’ve read a few things lately about people finding a partner just as they stop looking. I thought today I’d share my hypothesis on why I think this happens, because let’s face it the opposite sex isn’t anything like a bus.

I had a relationship before the Mr which slowly suffocated my soul. I lost me in a bubble of us, weirdly I didn’t even notice until the relationship ended. Always together and rarely apart. This is odd for me to reflect on as I’m an independent character, who although relies on a tribe around me, craves me time. It’s no surprise that in a mild argument I mumbled the power tripping and cinematic cliche lines “I think we need a break” he responded with a two week meet up and by day nine I rang and asked if we could not bother. There was nothing to discuss. I was done. In those nine days I saw friends, went dancing, took up spontaneous opportunities, read several books, but most importantly found me. There was nothing and everything wrong with that romance, since I called him on day nine I have never spoken or seen him since, which is odd given that it was a three year relationship.

I then continued the pattern of me, fell in love again with my life and whoosh like a magnet attracted the Mr. This soul mate arrived in the most bizarre of circumstance (if you like a ‘how we met’ story you can read more here) and when I asked another cliche line: “so are we boyfriend and girlfriend now?” He responded with “No, I haven’t got time for that kind of commitment”…well a decade later; two children, two dogs, a couple of houses and a joint bank account tells a different story, but more importantly I learnt from the previous relationship and never sacrificed me.

We have things we like to do together, as a family and things I do on my own. He is my equal and we are growing together, sharing ideas and visions, supporting each other as a unit and each others individual paths. He is not my whole world, although I would crumble if he left, my sense of self has a sturdy foundation. I wouldn’t break.

I think there is something sexy about people that aren’t needy. Something whole about a sense of self. If I could give my teenage self one piece of advice it would probably be to make more time to discover ‘me’ to evolve her and try new things. To work out what fits and what suffocates. Imagine finding someone that made you whole, personally I’d choose equal every time. After all, in maths = comes before the answer.

36 thoughts on “Find your equal, not your whole

  1. Ive never been one for cliches like soulmates or other half or even ‘My whole world’. I believe you find a person you’re attracted too and you both work hard to make it work. Woukd still be whole without my husband but id be a much sadder, smaller whole. I’m so pleased you found that person xxx


  2. Love this. I couldn’t live without my other half. But I also couldn’t live with him if I never had the chance to be me and do the things that I enjoy, outside of my relationship with him. We can be partners and support each other 100% of the time, but we’re also individuals with our own interests and that’s why it works so well. Fab post. X #thesatsesh


  3. I love this. The most important relationship you have in life is the one you have with yourself. That is not saying that partners are not important, it is just saying that I don’t believe you can rely on someone else to complete you. Pen x #thesatsesh


  4. I love this post. It’s so important to keep your identity even in a relationship. You feel the obligation to sacrifice and share and compromise because you’re together but you shouldn’t ever lose yourself at the same time #thesatsesh


  5. It’s funny our daughter, who is nearly 15, has moved away from focusing on “boys”, and it’s all very intense with her friends. I just think that every moment she is doing this, she is finding out more about herself, and her needs and interests, and when she does emerge from this stage she will be far better placed to have an equal relationship with a boy. #thesatsesh


  6. Solid advice. If you are not a happy person on your own you will not be a happy person as a pair. It is important to remember who you are and continue to love yourself. #thatsatsesh


  7. This is a great post. I had a relationship of six years before I met hubby. I was his shadow basically, I had no confidence and just was a house wife. I met my hubby on a night out with friends. He lived 5 hours away. He was in the forces at the time. But we just clicked and worked hard at long distance for a year. Then he moved to my home town. We have now moved to his home town with the little one. We have deffinately had alot thrown at us in 5 years that’s for sure. But I am now so Independant we just balance each other out he is so laid back, I’m a worrier, it’s great ha #thesatsesh x


  8. A very solid foundation for a person’s own mental health as well as for a good relationship. Me time is also great, and is important for both (especially with kids!). #satsesh


  9. I love your advice to your teenage self. I found hubby when I stopped looking. I have always rebelled against the tradition ‘fairy tale’ view of love as I never ever felt that I needed a man to complete me and getting the man isn’t the happy every after moment. All relationships take work. #thesatsesh


  10. I was just out of a 3 year relationship (although we were undecided if we were getting back together), and dating a couple of guys casually when out one night for dinner with some of my friends and one of the guys I was dating friends I saw my now hubby walking towards the restaurant and went wow! We ended up sitting next to each other and laughed a lot, we all went out dancing later and he took my hand on the dance floor. His friend could see we had an instant connection and was pretty good about it all, after a few dates, my 3 year ex was calling me all the time, I still loved him greatly, but there was something about Steve (hubby) that I just had this gut feeling about. I had been through some very traumatic events in the previous years and although I knew I deserved someone lovely and wanted to eventually settle and have kids I still had a lot to deal with emotionally due to the trauma, Steve got that, and I could be honest with him, I knew pretty quickly this was the guy I wanted to be the father of potential future children. We meet in 2000, still happy! Loved this!!!! #thesatsesh


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