gratitude

You’re not that important

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote from ‘Blue Sisters’

Easter holidays are great in my opinion as it gives me even more time to read. In the last few days I’ve read four books and I’ve learnt that I like to take phrases, sections of overall moral lessons from books. It’s like learning from a journey without the hassle of leaving the house and you don’t have to worry about passports or tickets.

In Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors, the book reflects on four adult siblings, one has passed away and as the story continues you realise that they each blame themselves, feel they should have done more to prevent the death of their adored sister. Their mother wisely informs them ‘you’re not that important’ and it made me laugh and then reflect.

So often after a bereavement or loss such as job or relationship break down we think we should have done more, could have done something different to alter the paradigm we are now in. It’s also a time when the people around you will give you advice and it’s often deep and comes with a side order of best intensions and love.

That’s why I adore the advice; you’re not that important. People are complex beings that often make self absorbed decisions and forget to look ahead. We’re all often self absorbed that we don’t consider other peoples opinions or how our decisions might affect them. To an extent this is a good thing, if we thought things through thoroughly and weighed up all of the options we may find we’d never leave the house or do anything, we’d also be permanently crippled by anxiety and ‘what ifs’ would leave us paralysed in fear.

That said. we naturally want to help our loved ones and when things take a dark turn it’s natural for us to reflect on what we could of done to prevent the situation. However, we all need a little Mum advice, the best is often blunt and to the point…you aren’t that important. They did what they did because they wanted to. They made that move because they thought it was best, or perhaps they should have done something early but they were too scared or perhaps didn’t think it was important.

We can’t always alter others lives, we can give opinions when asked, we can offer guidance and practical solutions but this isn’t a Disney movie where epiphanies occur at just the right moment followed by a musical encore (disappointing I realise). Instead, listen carefully this week to those that do listen to you, that do make time for you – they think you’re important and don’t be offended by those that don’t. Instead, ensure you listen to yourself. You are the most influential person in your life.

Kindness heals

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Recently I have been the recipient of kindness and I wanted to pass it on. This blog comes with an affiliated link but if that’s not your thing, then just don’t press the link. That said, as always at fridgesays this blog is worth the read for a hopefully warm glow.

In November, I had a period that was so intense it made me vomit. If I can move around I’m usually fine, but mother nature struck when I found myself in a three hour board meeting, wearing a pencil skirt in a room with little ventilation, to say it was less than ideal was an understatement but once I was out of the meeting and able to move I soon felt better. My friend in the meeting, Kelly commented that she saw me go pale before I exited for the ladies facilities. Like a pro I returned but we joked on the way home that there was no way I could have hidden a hot water bottle under my skirt, that is not a pro move, so suffer it was.

A couple of days later in the office Kelly said she had a gift for me:

https://amzn.to/3ESlyf4 (link if you’d like to know more) . It was this box of three heated pain relief pads, that claim to be discreet and last for 12 hours….

Let’s take a pause to thank the gorgeous Kelly for seeing these and thinking of me, that to me is true kindness. Having a tribe of wonderful people around me is the greatest gift a person could ask for.

During my menstruation cycle in January I gave them a whirl and I was blown away! A simple peel of the wrapper and it stuck in place all day and most of the evening. The product provides a gentle heat (not intense as a hot water bottle) and the warmth kept coming. I honestly didn’t believe it would last 12 hours. The pad I used was still producing warmth 16 hours later… who knew iron and carbon could heal pain and how does warmth actually heal? In essence, heat causes the blood vessels in that area to dilate, enhancing perfusion to the targeted tissue. For under £2 for three pads that’s a lot of healing for little expense.

I will certainly be purchasing more, to be able to stick one in place and get on with my day whilst receiving a warm hug where needed is an absolute game changer as a full time working parent. I also plan to buy a few as gifts, one for a friend who really suffers with her menstruation and another who has a daughter about to start her periods. These would have been so handy when I was at school, trying to focus on the lesson content but equally feeling like my uterus was doing the can-can. Kindness matters and whilst I’m grateful to Kelly for her kind act, I’m also an advocate for passing kindness on to others.

Like I said, if you have a sad uterus in your life, click the link and give these a whirl.

observe, don’t absorb

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

It was Friday, the sun was shining and I’d just come out of a wonderful but intense yoga session, I’d opted for poses that were challenging and I’d managed to survive! The class was made up of a group of women and I was pleased to see a man had joined, after all such a practice should be open to all. He was on the other side of the room to me and honestly was irrelevant once the class began, mainly as I went into ‘yoga mode’ where only my mat and me exist against the elements.

Yoga classes are a mental battle of keeping up, keeping still, listening, focus and trying to do my best whilst politely asking my inner thoughts to not become egotistical or full of self sabotage, there’s a lot more than a down dog going on, plus when I’m upside down I often lose track of my left and right.

As I made my way to my car, yoga mat slung over my shoulder the man approached and made small talk about the class. I agreed and upon reaching my car closed the conversation down with a comment about enjoying the weekend.

I beeped the key fob of my car and he said ‘ohhh that makes sense… you’re one of those women, everything perfect and supported by your husband, easy breezy’ – I was stunned and lost for words, we had gone from the adrenaline high of a yoga class, polite chat and suddenly my entire being was being attacked.

I stumbled on words whilst putting my mat in my car and felt his male ego stab me. Then I felt the fire in my soul burn as rage ensued. I said ‘Actually, not that it’s any of your f***ing business but I’m financially independent. If I am perfect it’s because I don’t walk around judging others, see you next week’ I then went to close my door and uttered the words ‘what a sad person’

This is where the magic happened. I have been stumbled and verbally attacked previously, most of us have. I’ve learnt to not give the other person my power nor allow myself to be held down with sadness or anger caused by others. By the time I’d reversed out of my parking spot I was smiling and back to feeling good, reflecting on my class practise and letting go of any negative energy. The rollercoaster of the high of my exercise to the low of being attacked, right back to feeling good was probably less than a minute.

Historically,!I may have driven off in rage, I’m not the type to not verbally retaliate (I’ll work on it as I know there is also power in silence) but I was proud of speaking up but also not entering into a situation. You see any judgement that was made about me was not only incorrect, it wasn’t about me. The insult was about his ability, perception or inner demons, the clear jealous comment was his to own. The fact he felt able to share this shows great privilege on his part and also sadness. My life is too precious to adopt emotions that belong to others, especially someone I’ve never met before.

Should you ever find yourself verbally attacked, or if out of the blue someone’s word are aimed towards you like an arrow. Simply retaliate by taking their arrow and bending it into a boomerang. You deserve to be surrounded by people that build you up, make you feel good and support you. Anything less is responded much like the quote ‘don’t absorb’

Every cell in your body is evesdropping on your thoughts

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Quote anon

Physical health and mental health are linked, just as wellbeing and illness are opposite ends of a spectrum. The phrase ‘we are one’ has never been more correct. As an adult human you contains around 37 trillion human cells and 200 different cell types, even more wonderful is that these cells are in a life cycle of their own, rejuvenating continuously, so if you don’t feel like the same person you were a year or even a day ago, you’re right – you are now millions of new cells. The body is always moving, adapting and altering, whilst as humans we often hate change, the human body thrives on new cells.

Each of the 200 hundred different types of cells look different and alter to best cope with your unique setting. For example, Cells in the brain may be longer in shape so they can transmit signals more efficiently, whilst cells in the respiratory system are plump as they hold oxygen.

If we don’t feel at ease, our cells respond and the medical profession often call the result ‘disease’… our bodies are vessels that absorb our thoughts and react. So here’s the great news… your thoughts have the power to alter your cell health, think good thoughts and health follows…the downside; in this crazy world of fear and uncertainty, negative thoughts and experience’s often have a negative affect on our bodies. Ever been nervous before an interview and had an upset tummy at the same time? Been stressed and got a headache?

Time to become spiritual gardens. Just like a gardener (of which I am not the best) cultivates the land to create a beautiful open space, we need to be aware of what we are thinking and whether it serves our mind. Gardeners weed and take out invasive plants that can strangle and consume other plants that they want in their garden. Fearful thoughts and worry do the same to our positive thoughts.

Large trees can consume all the light and the smaller plants below can die because they aren’t receiving enough nutrients. Often we can see this in the early hours of the morning where the human brain can take a small problem, a seedling of inconvenience, and in the dark hours of the morning with nothing to distract us we can make that problem humongous and unbearable by catastrophising and going over the same issue several thousand times. However, in the light of day if you speak the issue over with a loved one they will often remind you that the ‘what ifs’ aren’t real and that the seedling issue can be resolved.

In essence, the solution is to think positive thoughts but I appreciate that is extremely hard to do and easy for me to type. However, we can always move to a better thought process. The way we do this is exactly the same as people in the gym become stronger. We need to do lots of repetitive actions (positive thoughts) until it becomes our normal setting. Personally, if something is wrong I always find it best to acknowledge it, but after that I reframe it to the best possible outcome I can visualise, after all 32 trillion cells are relying on me. For example, rather than say you are feeling ill, say you are healing. Rather than punish yourself for being late, appreciate the steps you took to ensure you didn’t completely miss the appointment or the effort it took you to get there. If you have experienced or are experiencing trauma, how can we learn from it? What action do you need to take?

I’m cautious not to ‘Princess positive’ life. As I mentioned earlier, it’s often difficult and sometimes painful. Of course positive thoughts won’t miraculously cure you and it’s important to give all our emotions attention, if we begin to feel sad we need to be aware of why. What this quote does remind us is that our cell health is always listening and responding to our environment. So on this Sunday evening (or any evening you happen to stumble upon this article) reflect and take some time to think about where you are in life. What brings you peace, joy and pleasure, are there any aspects that make you anxious and that you can make alterations to? Keeping your cells happy, creates a better you to move into tomorrow.

Each morning peace knocks at your door in the form of choice

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote taken from a meme and adapted

When I first saw this meme it made me pause from the whirling, hectic pace of life. Not many things do that, as I thought about it more – that we can make choices and that whilst many things are done to us, we do get to decide how we react to them, I found great power in this concept.

I use the word ‘concept’ as we are often programmed to react and whilst we have a choice our subconscious kicks in and we react to old patterns of behaviour like familiar winter coats, even though the coat doesn’t fit any longer or serve us in the moment – we keep wearing it.

One of the ways I have chosen to ‘choose peace’ is by taking a couple of minutes in bed in the morning before getting out. To not fall into the day and let it absorb me but to take a moment to step back (or in my case, snuggle down) and consciously step into my day, deciding how I’m going to feel. I will always choose peace.

If you can find moments to step back, moments to not speak and to let silence do the work for you, peace can follow. That said, leaving your subconscious reactions behind takes the work of a Jedi and I’m certainly no expert. Pausing takes practise and perhaps that’s part of the game of life.

There are however a handful of quick wins that you can use if you need a little more peace…

  • Book some time in your week, it could be a bubble bath, but it doesn’t need to be that complex…take half an hour and just sit
  • Review your tribe. Spend time with people that fill your cup with joy. If that isn’t possible, then make sure you minimise interactions or go into scenarios with toxic people being kind to yourself
  • Catch yourself: currently I’m playing this game where I step out of myself to listen to the ridiculous argument myself and my family are having. If I can reduce an argument about putting socks in the laundry basket by five minutes, we all win
  • Seek peace; make time to walk in nature, get outside, hug a tree, walk – whatever makes you feel centred and solid

The last tip is to live this quote on a daily cycle…keep choosing peace until it becomes your subconscious setting. I’m not sure how long this takes, but I have a feeling that just stepping nearer to a peaceful life is a worthy endeavour.

The right people hear you differently

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Quote Anon

Recently I was in a yoga class and at the start my teacher was explaining how she was enjoying Instagram, that much like a garden she had cultivated AI to make her feed wholesome and positive. It made me reflect on my own social media and I agreed that I didn’t often see any negative comments online any longer and that my feed was full of my personal enjoyments – things like baking or yoga, positive quotes, book recommendations etc that fill my cup up.

Online I don’t follow thousands of people but there are about ten to fifteen people that I regularly see and enjoy there content. I even have a handful of people that I’ve followed for so long, they feel like friends. We share content and tag each other and I’m pretty sure if they lived local I would enjoy there company. One of them is called Hannah, she’s a mother to about a thousand children (well, more than two) and a million chickens (this I might not be exaggerating), she has enjoyments and similar nature based loves that resonate with me. Randomly, I also follow her husband? A similarly hairy dude to my other half. Anyway, this week Hannah posted a bread roll bake that she had made…they looked incredible. She then kindly and without me asking, sent me a link to the recipe.

I gave the rolls a go and oh my! The joy level was amazing. They came out super fluffy and light.

I baked them on Friday evening at stupid o’clock (gone are the days of clubbing and drinking) I was sipping green tea and watching piles of dough expand. Saturday morning we devoured three with bacon. Yesterday evening three more were consumed as I made homemade chicken burgers in breadcrumbs with mozzarella, lettuce, mayo. Two are requested for tomorrow’s packed lunches.

The process of making them was satisfying and I’ll be making them again, but joy was also found in private messaging Hannah with the process and celebrating my success…seriously baking break always makes me feel proud and if it doesn’t go well, I enjoy unpicking and perfecting the process.

Social media often gets a bad press and for many valid reasons, but in the spirit of keeping things positive I hope this post reminds you that you can cultivate a mini online world of things you enjoy. You also, might be blessed to make connections with people that geographically you could never call friends and would never have the joy of meeting but they still enhance your world. So let’s raise our cups of tea, to all the lovely humans that the internet helps us to connect us with. Hannah is @bloomsandhens and she recently got a puppy! My online bestie is Lincoln’s goddess to a sunset photo @sammanfa1 and @backtobrickbungalow who is building a amazing home for her daughter Rosie called ‘Muriel’s place’ and I love it for her real content and DIY drama…no posh aesthetic here, just a woman crushed by life (frigging men) and the dream of a place to call home. I’ve also realised that these three women are all living up north? So if like me you’re as southern in the UK as possible and need a splash of northern joy to your life – give them a follow.

Head up twinkle

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote from Fridgesays

Sometimes I don’t feel like writing. It could be because the week has been busy, I’m tired or I’m just lacking a clear vision of what to write about.

It’s in these moments, I have learnt that success is a step away. As a result, I usually make myself write something or I take a half written post and complete it. Why? The world won’t stop turning if I don’t write each week but my mental health won’t be as sparkly, my satisfaction level won’t be as joyful and honestly, it’s often the posts I don’t feel like writing but do anyway, that attract the most readers.

The attitude of resilience and keeping going when things feel hard, the art of consistency is a dying one in 2024. Giving up is easy when other options are abundant but pursuing the unattainable is hard, but as previously mentioned often when success lays.

I shared this with a friend recently and she said it was the same for her when she went for a run, the wet and soggy, cold and muddy days where staying in bed for an extra quarter of an hour and not going to run are often her best runs. Not only the satisfaction of doing something hard that will enhance oxytocin into our bloodstream but also create new learnt pathways to our resilient threshold will allow us to learn from previous ‘I can’t be bothered’ situations and lean in to the experience rather than hide under the duvet.

That said, it’s also important to distinguish within ourselves the difference between not doing something because we don’t fancy it and not doing it for a valid reason – such as our health or wellbeing. There have been times where I’ve needed to rest due to exhaustion or being run down with a virus, to make myself write or my friend to go for a run in poor health would only lead to further illness and negative outcomes. Whilst most readers make think this is obvious, in a toxic positive culture it’s important to remind ourselves that our boundaries are crucial to keeping us safe and ‘out working’ the person next to you often leads to depression and feeling inadequate than living our best lives.

And just like that, I’ve written a post about not wanting to write. I hope that this week a task that may feel heavy becomes lighter because of this post. What I can guarantee is that you’ll see the benefits of continuing and improving, that you’ll strengthen your neuron pathways for future growth.

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect

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Quote Anon

I was just doing an evening session of yoga and I had a revelation.

In primary school there was a yellow line prohibiting you from touching anything fun…things like brick corners, areas where cars might be, a crazy paving concrete slope ( it was the late eighties) and it taught me something that literally until ten minutes a go I had never thought about. It taught me that boundaries were to be broken. I should probably tell you that I was a good girl but that at least once a week I’d slide my Mary Jane patent shoes across the line in act of rebellion…obviously never getting caught and in retrospect of my good girl nature we are talking millimetres not empowering jumps of anarchy. It never occurred to me that boundaries and the yellow line of forbidden treading was to actually keep me safe?

My competitive bones have never really developed but as I rolled into my twenties I did develop an inner competitiveness within myself. ‘No’ is a word I choose not to have in my vocabulary, again recognising it as an unhelpful verbal yellow line of doom. The only child in me often plays games in my head where I beat other people, complete tasks in set time frames and obviously secretly plot to over throw anyone that should ever imply I can’t do something…again I’d never thought that these words were to keep me safe?

…I’m now wondering how I’ve actually made it this far without serious injury?

With this new knowledge in mind, I invite you to think about your adult perception of boundaries, are they purely a hurdle to jump, a task to complete or unlike me something to run from? I then invite you to find balance within the word boundary…it’s already got a few of the letters so you’re half way there. Do you need a revelation like I just had and need to step closer to the concept of safety or perhaps you are bubble wrapped in the playground lines of your childhood and need to be freed from them. Either way, like most aspects in life boundaries need to be established for your own wellbeing – tell those you’re in a relationship with what you will and won’t stand for, remind your manager (in appropriate tone) what you are paid and not paid to do…and also relax within those safety perimeters…seriously who would of thought a playground rule could have such a lasting effect on the mind?

I decide my vibe

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Quote Anon

Today I am sat on the sofa and I’m doing less than nothing. The dog is snuggled up on me and it would be disrespectful to move and disrupt her. I’m not watching TV, I’m not reading and I’m sitting in silence. Today ‘not a lot’ is my vibe.

It would be natural of me to compensate now by telling you about my hectic morning or my plans for tomorrow or even how exhausting yesterday was… but that would defeat today’s post.

Everyday we get to decide our vibe and to a large extent who we surround ourselves by. We get to be choose what we wear (give or take a work uniform) and how much energy we put into things.

Last week my son came off the Rugby pitch frustrated by how he had played, when he went on today I reminded him that the past version of him was disappointed and that the present him would decide how future him would feel. He came off at the end of the game (the team won) and said past him would be pleased. He couldn’t control the other players, the weather (it rained), but he could set the vibe for himself.

I treat my wardrobe as a costume box and dopamine dress for how I need or want to feel. Sometimes that includes bright prints and textured fabrics and sometimes it’s a black one piece that allows me to disappear. I set the vibe and use clothes to help me, currently opting for comfy clothes to do very little in.

We don’t realise it but we set the vibe, not just by clothes or attitudes but also with the foods we digest and the people we allow ourselves to be close to, in fact I believe that every choice we make takes or gives to the person we are, thus our worlds could ever be changing, or we continue to pick the same things to wear, eat and do and life is stagnant. The great thing is none of us are one dimensional beings, we can change and our vibes can alter. Later today I may be productive, later I may move from the sofa and create a list to help me start the week focused and tuned in to achieving my best…for now, I’m staying here. The vibe is quiet, still and needed. Without reflection life can run away with us and somehow in a busy world there is something seriously luxurious about doing nothing.

You are accountable for your decisions, choices and actions…or in my case, lack of action…set the vibe and enjoy what it has to offer, if it doesn’t please you then change the vibe.

Don’t let anyone dull your light

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

Often when writing I know the theme and then find a quote, or I find a quote and the writing follows. Tonight, the process has been reversed as I’d like to share a lesson that just happened. I then thought that this quote would work well and assumed that I’d used it before, it doesn’t seem to have been? Although I know there are variants of it such as ‘don’t let anyone dim your sparkle’ so forgive me if it seems repetitive.

The lesson: September has burst through the year with a buddy at hand called Autumn, usually when the children return back to school the temperature in the UK increases and we are treated to an Indian summer, this year September has brought rain, thunder storms and whilst the sun shone today, the cold followed, it was around eleven Celsius and whilst not coat wearing worthy the sudden ten Celsius drop can be felt with an autumnal kiss in the air.

As a result, I have peaked early with soup making and all things cosy. Tonight I lit a candle and snuggled in bed with a new book. It was a tapered candle and I haven’t lit it for a while. As I sat on my bed the candle was struggling to breathe and so I gently tipped it slightly to release some of the melted wax, this worked for a little while but soon I was looking at a tiny blue glow, barely a flame. As I watched it struggle decided whether it would rescue itself or need me to ‘tip and release’ a metaphor of life came into mind.

Often, as adults we know what we need and often it’s a basic need that is usually achievable – less sugar, a glass of water, more movement and exercise, better quality sleep, taking time for self care or perhaps just a shower. There are certainly days when I know I’d feel a thousand percent better if I just had a shower and yet like myself starring at the struggling blue glow of the candle. We don’t do it? I tell myself I’ll wake up earlier and make time to hair wash and style, I then don’t and wake panicked with a ridiculous list of things to be achieved by 7:30am and the shower becomes a task moved to later in the day, I then have to do something with the now greasy hair and leave the house flustered and feeling like the 1970s John Travolta look isn’t in my self esteems best interest.

If it was just a shower, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad but there are certainly days and sometimes longer periods of time when just like the struggling candle we find ourselves out of balance, dehydrated, perhaps not even making time to eat and if we do we’ve not grabbed anything of any nutritious contents, we struggling to breathe and let we know what we need…here comes the crazy part, if it were a friend or loved one we would absolutely make them prioritise the shower, we’d create them something to eat, we’d encourage an early night but most of all, we’d tip the candle for a little longer and let it breathe. So I did. The flame grew and suddenly from a struggling glow came a large and substantial flame. The candle was living its best life, I was experiencing the candle living its best life. The world became fuller somehow and I couldn’t stop smiling. I’d known all along what it needed, I just watched it struggle, hoping it might ‘sort itself out’ which is ridiculous.

As you step into a new week, listen to your internal voice. Allow yourself the love and support and give yourself what you need. Whilst not always possible, often a step towards your need is a leap for ‘candle-kind’, don’t be a drowning candle, light up the world for yourself and those around you.