selflove

Does the process know we are trusting it?

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

It will get better. It will come good in the end. You’ll be ok….ummm, will I?

Trusting the process is super easy with two elements; the passage of time and hindsight. Prior to completing the task or process you are only human if you feel lost and doubtful.

It’s Saturday afternoon and it’s raining, the bleak light and the grey skies are doing everything they can to pull me into a dark mood. Last week I wrote an upbeat post titled ‘Why not me?’ this week I’m sat in a negative thought pattern of despair and ‘why me?’ (Add violin music and a night background of rain, lightly trickling down a window paine). I’m not very good at being negative and I particularly suck when there really isn’t a reason to feel down…it would be easy to make a list of all the things I’m grateful for but at this moment in time that feels far to contrived and a life time away from where I am and how I feel.

What can I do? Well, in this moment I check in on myself with a dash of ‘ Maslows hierarchy of need’ . Educators will be down with Mas’s theory and it’s certainly worth a google but in essence to be our most transcendent and actualised self, to truly thrive we need all of the elements at the bottom of the pyramid as our foundation. At the bottom is ‘physiology’ and this means our basic needs; sleep, food and shelter, the next level is safety and this can often be missing in our day to day lives meaning we can’t focus on bigger objectives. Staying at the bottom of the pyramid a little longer I’m noting that I’ve slept well, I’m home safe and I have just eaten – however, don’t underestimate how poor your mental health can dip if one of these basic human rights is missing. Often after a busy day I’ll slouch on the sofa and realise I haven’t eaten or drunk anything since the day before.

Like a spoilt princess my Maslow pyramid is looking sturdy, so what am I going to do? Next is movement – have I left the house, moved my body and allow prosocial chemicals to mix into my blood steam. Thanks to a demanding four legged house mate, I have been out in nature today. I walked the dog for about forty five minutes and we even went to a forest where the autumn canopy was showing off her best colour display.

Lastly, it’s OK. Today I feel down, I don’t have a reason why, I don’t need to do anything about it either. I’m just going to treat myself like a sad best friend. I’m going to make a warm drink and take the afternoon slowly and with ease. I’m not going to socialise – nobody needs my company in this moment and I don’t have the need to be around humans. I might light some candles, I will ignore house chores and I may read a book or watch a film. In this moment I don’t trust the process that everything will work out well, this afternoon will not go down in Lucy history as the best I’ve ever lived. I will avoid social media because I don’t need to see friends living their best life and that’s a kindness boundary that I need to put in place for myself today.

I’m not sure if the process knows we are trusting it and im not sure I want to today? Perhaps tomorrow we will give the process a hug and apologise for being a doubting diva, perhaps we will visualise and manifest, but don’t think you always have to be on track and making progress. Humans are complex beings and existing in 2024 can be hazardous to our wellbeing and mental load…be kind to yourself and check in regularly with what you need. Today I need nothing and that’s ok too.

Beauty starts in your head not in the mirror

~ Fridgesays ~ 1 Comment

Quote from Regina Daniels

Growing up around many different kind of women and then blossoming into one myself, I’ve learnt many things about beauty.

Firstly, I noticed that the women in my life that didn’t love their body shapes didn’t look in mirrors. At least, not large full length creations. Instead small and practical mirrors were used ‘when necessary’ and for practical purposes.

Another woman taught me that beauty was something to aim for, but because it was aspirational but that if you had time to worry about appearances, blemishes and colour combinations then you probably didn’t have many worries in your life.

If I combine these two thoughts alone, then I think that this quote might be slightly off track. I believe that beauty doesn’t start in the mirror and nor does it start in the head. In my heart is where I store my compassion, love and respect. These are needed as a foundation when glaring at self. What you see isn’t always how you perceive your reflection to be and it may tell as different story to the one in your head. Scars can tell magnificent stories of triumph and bravery but they can also bring sadness, despair and shame. Of course to alter the story and be comfortable in your reflection you need to rewire your brain to reframe the memory and this can take time.

Beauty isn’t usually as superficial as the world might let us believe, we often find beauty in unique traits, the small details and the imperfections of others. We often struggle internally to give ourself the same compassion.

When I was 13 years old I was at a party and a boy told me that I couldn’t dance as well as my friend. Instantly I felt scorned, judged and ugly, my instant reaction was to hide. However, I come from a loving home and was raised on a pedestal. I have always psycho analysed behaviour traits in myself and others since forever. I allowed the boy to ruin the party for me, I did stop dancing and I went home early. At home I thought about the minute details of the dancing I had done and what I need to do to improve, then it occurred to me…who the fuck does he think he is? How dare a boy who I barely knew feel he could judge me? By this time, I was fuming and angry that I’d allowed someone I had never invested in, ruin my evening. I don’t believe in holding on to negative energy, I never have and so at school on Monday I approached the boy in my English class (he sat directly in front of me) at the end of the lesson and I asked him if he had enjoyed the party and importantly if he was ok? Confused, he stated that the party was ‘ok’ and that he was fine. I reminded him of the comment he had made to me and that I thought it was odd he had commented, as we weren’t friends and I didn’t realise he was a dance teacher, I ended the rant (to which the boy just stared at me) by thanking him for having my best intentions but that as I was already attending dance classes I wouldn’t require his input in future.

My appearance is nobody else’s concern (unless I’ve once again forgot to put a coat on, then even middle aged I may still need my Mum to remind me), how I dance is nobody else’s concern, I can decide to absorb other peoples views of me, or simply thank them for their time and move on. When I look in the mirror I can choose to view myself with love or criticism. What do you choose?

You can do anything but not everything

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote has several origins

This week I was listening to one of my regular podcasts, Kathryn Ryan’s – ‘Telling everybody everything’ and she mentioned this premise in one of her recent episodes. We can often feel guilty for not being the best partner, as we are also being the best mother and at work we are full time committed to being the best employer/employee…it’s a perpetuating circle that often leads to unfulfilled happiness within ourselves, as we can’t be everything to everyone…oh and did I mention, we also need to have wonderful self care regimes, self love, a nutritious diet, regular exercise and quality sleep? It’s a to do list worth aspiring to but one that often is unattainable. Whilst I fully agree with this, I think it’s crucial that we teach our children that they can have it all, just not all at once.

I want to provide my child with all the opportunities to succeed and to become whatever he would like to be. At this point his interests are wide and skill sets are vast, he really could be anything when he decides on a career path. My son is happy, healthy and loved. These are nonnegotiable, but recently I’ve been teaching him how to balance responsibilities and the various elements of life, why? Because you can do everything and be anything but you can’t do it all at the same time.

It’s a skill that isn’t taught in school but one in which I try to role model for his current and future wellbeing. I do this by speaking my thoughts out loud and then explaining how I’m going to complete the tasks; it could be as simple as explaining that I want to go and have a bubble bath, I need a face mask but the washing needs loading, hanging and I need to clean the bathroom. I’ll then explain how I’m going to make the list workable (I’ll wear my face mask whilst cleaning the bathroom or I’ll run the bath and before I step in I’ll pop the washing on… I also think it’s essential to also role model asking for help and also compromise, so I may explain I won’t have time to clean the bathroom and have a bath, but I can have a shower after cleaning the bathroom, or I’ll say if I make time for a bath could he help me by hanging the washing out? So often team work and a sharing of responsibilities is essential so that the family unit can thrive.

This may seem like an obvious post but as a Mumma in 2023 where dreams seem an instant attainable option by clicking a link, I do want my child to dream big, but also want him to be grounded and have strategies to achieving those goals. So, if you are preaching the positive quotes that ‘What my fridge says’ inspires, make sure any little ears also have access to techniques to help them achieve. It’s worth reflecting, as recently my son had a party to attend but also had a homework task due, by the time the evening came around he had done ten extra minutes in the days leading up to the party (without my prompting) to leave him free to go off and enjoy himself, in his own little way ‘he had it all’ and that’s as skillset I can get behind.

Dream big little dude.

I wish you a kinder sea

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

I’m privileged to live near the sea and much like most aspects of nature, I love the sea in various conditions. Pebbles and sand beaches, stormy and powerful tides that make you feel energised and invigorated as the wind whips your hair and the sea spits out white foam, flat calm seas that are joyful when we have the paddle board out, often leaving me feelings balanced and joyful, then there are tidal waves that have always a melody to them as they rise and fall. My favourites are all the in between seas too…a little windy but ‘not too choppy’ or the warm sea that is wonderful to paddle your feet in as dusk falls and the wind begins to pick up.

If we think of the sea as a humongous living metaphor for life, then it makes sense that it has so many variants. Sometimes we can feel like we are drowning in endless battles as the waves of life sweep us off our feet and at other times we enjoy the sea salt kisses the spray brings, the warm tides that tickle our toes and envelope us like a hug – so often I leave the sea feeling cleansed and renewed.

Life with its ups and downs, often can feel as unpredictable as the sea…one minute you’re paddling through effortlessly and the next you are out of depth and struggling to keep your head above water. Sometimes if you turn your back to the sea you can quickly find the waves can whisk you on the floor with a soggy bottom and you are left bemused wondering how it even happened?

As the quote states above – I wish you an kinder sea. One that forgives, a life that cleanses your soul but also gives you joy. I do believe that dark stormy tides are moments in life we can learn from, build strength and resilience from and ultimately can be an opportunity for personal growth.

I wish you a kinder sea that gives you freedom to explore, that leads you to new voyages and lands afar. I wish you a kinder sea that allows you to see your worth, I wish this for everyone.

Perhaps me wishing isn’t enough? Perhaps we need to observe and reflect on the sea we have in front of us and treat it accordingly. When danger appears, we need to have the tools to protect ourselves, reaching for our self care life jackets, when the sea is absorbing us we need to build boundaries and see defences to keep it at bay. Lastly but essentially, we need to treat those around us with the kindest we wish to have. You can be a kind sea if you are poisoned with sewage or negative energy such as envy or doubt.

I will keep wishing for kinder seas and I hope to live in a kinder sea myself. I know I need to take my eyes of the horizon and enjoy the sea below, the where I am now. But as a seasoned sailor I also know the horizon is not always my friend, that in can alter my course at any moment. Let’s all wish for kinder seas.

A quiet mind is able to hear intuition over fear

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

It’s Saturday morning and I’m stretched out on my yoga mat in the garden. The lawn was freshly mowed yesterday but so many spring flowers survived the cull and it’s a little piece of heaven.

I came outside to do some morning yoga, my body was hit by period pains and my head was spinning (probably from a imminent full moon), so before this I lounged on my bed feeling sorry for myself. I knew I needed to shower and that would make me feel a little better. I also knew that some tea and being outside was what I needed, the pull of my bed called…I resisted and came outside.

I decided to make my yoga practice today super kind, slow and without thought. As the sun warmed my yoga mat I slowly moved my body into positions that felt supportive. The more I appreciated my surroundings and the warmth of the sun, the more I was able to move on the mat. Gratitude lifting my soul.

I went inside to grab my phone thinking that I should look up some yoga poses that would benefit my body and try to ease some of my cramps. A quick glance on Pinterest and I had myself laughing. I’d already completed the recommended poses – intuition had taken over.

At work we are currently going through a restructure. Worries are high and staff conversations are often a low vibration – the pathway of what change will look like feeding fear, momentum picking up each month and more email’s increase panic. Last week after many months of meetings that I seem to come away from with more questions than answers, I decided to make a decision for myself. I ignored the larger piece of the puzzle and how it would come together. Instead, I decided on what my piece might look like. I visualised how I’d like it to be. I took some actions and set some wheels in motion and now I have removed myself from the topic. Much like the quote, by making time to listen to my intuition, by calming myself I was able to allow the fear to dissipate. This side of the changes I’m unsure whether this mindset will serve me, perhaps I’ll exclude myself from vital information…but I doubt it. I honestly believes that my quietening the noise around me I’ll be able to move into the changes with a higher level of optimism and peace. Time will tell

Intuition is very much a gift, it’s a hundred percent in the present moment and it comes from within. The noise of the working week and the ever lasting to do lists can keep it at bay, but I strongly recommend taking a few minutes out of your day to see where it takes you. That said, remember the first few moments of quiet will mean your brain will whirl like a tornado…let it spin and don’t listen to the fear. I often internally say thanks for the fear thoughts but let’s move on…wait, wait a little bit longer and boom! That’s where the good stuff is. Intuition is just you listening to you without the world pushing it’s agenda on you. Do you value yourself enough to make some time to listen?

Trauma is about what did not happen

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Quote Anon

Insecurities, broken trust, tragic events, sudden changes in circumstances, life changes and unexpected happenings are all part of life’s darker side of life. Some make us stronger, many leave scars and without us knowing pivot us to pathways anew.

As a behaviour adviser with little people from four years old to sixteen, ACEs (Adverse childhood experiences) are common place across classrooms. They often manifest as difficult or dangerous behaviour. Extroverts scream, punch and kick out for support and a need to be soothed. Whilst introverts often wear masks that don’t reveal how they are feeling, burying emotions deep and silencing needs and desires. Either reaction usually has toxic results.

In child protection meetings, of which I attend too often, the focus is on legislation and protective actions…again, these often result in further trauma for the child or exacerbate the situation before any soothing and healing can occur. Why? The focus is on the trauma. What happened, who failed to protect their child, what professional did or didn’t do, capturing the child’s voice (gathering the child’s thoughts and feelings on the trauma and life), the focus is always on the trauma.

Traumas are hard to define as something that I may find traumatic to experience, you may think was irrelevant. Children in split parent situations can have 2 loving parents and go contently from one family to another, however if the rules at Daddies are completely different to Mummies and we add on school expectations and standards, the child can become insecure, experience attachment issues and generally be confused about how to behave. A sibling of that same child, may find the transitions effortless and enjoy the variety of experiences. Often as parents we may feel that ‘trauma’ is that Mummy and Daddy separated; surprisingly children are often adaptable to these alternations with a little time, the trauma described above isn’t about home being separated or parents splitting…it’s about a consistent approach to parenting.

Through social media, often people feel the need to list or label traumas they have experienced. Whilst that can be a great first step in moving forward, we often need to look at what that traumatic experience taught us; what we lacked or received too much of. A helicopter parent often doesn’t allow a child to independently think – as an adult that person may need to overcome their trauma by making independent choices and growing in confidence with their decision process…

Often this quote is correct, the event felt traumatic because of what didn’t happen. The best way we can overcome future traumas is to listen to what we need now. If you’ve burnt the candle at both ends, make time for rest. If your life style is too static – it’s time to move your body. The hardest part of this process to live a positive life style is to remember to check in on yourself, journaling and a meditation practise can often add pause buttons to daily life.

So what do you need? Serve yourself first, fill your cup up and you’ll have capacity to help those around you. Turn you rainy days into rainbows, it doesn’t stop the rain but it doesn’t improve the view.

Every thing can kill you so choose something fun

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

This quote made me chuckle…mainly as it’s true. People die in unknown circumstances; taking selfies on cliff edges, vending machines falling on top of them…or medical conditions that often the patient feels came from know where, they just didn’t see coming.

In terms of our planets existence we each visit for such a small amount of time, a glint in the eyes of the universe…do you really want to spend that time paying bills?

Honestly, the answer is no but then I realise the need to feed and shelter my family and now I’m like a child at a wedding told ‘not to get dirty’ but really excited to see how deep the muddy puddle is at the end of the drive way. Whilst I’d like to retire my vacuum cleaner, launch my lanyard at my boss as I ride into the sunset on horse back (well the quote did say fun)…the reality is I do need an income and I do find comfort in the mundane. Early this week I spent an hour of my life with my son organising his wardrobe and whilst this may not be your or even my definition of ‘fun’ it was satisfying and anyone wishing to admire said cupboard should come and visit in the next few days before my Marie Kondo effect becomes obliterated by the child effect once more…

Whilst working towards a career that is ‘fun’ – shout out to a school friend kayaking down a Vietnam river in the name of ‘work’ is probably a great move forward, I realise that that option may not be open to everyone and that even those that are blessed to love our work still have to tackle administrative tasks that make us pull our eye sockets out. This is the contrast of life, the yin and the yang, the river and the eye balls.

So where am I going with this post? Much like the river in Vietnam, I believe that we shouldn’t ‘live for the weekends’ or dream of retirement slowly wishing our lives into the final chapters, nor do I think we should put off those ‘I wish I could moments’…(another shout out to the friend who’s taking a three month sabbatical to travel with his family) instead, we should throw ourselves into the bends of the river, when calm we should take time to be still and reflect and of course should a rapid appear we shouldn’t shy away from it. Fear and fun are often closely linked.

Fun can be found in cleaning cupboards, don’t believe me – check out my smile when I open my cutlery draw effortlessly. Fun (for me) can be found in my paddle boarding or in seeing my child learn a new skill. Don’t let the river of life pass you by, don’t focus on getting to the end that you miss the scenery, take the detours and spend time working out how you can bring your dreams a little closer to where you dock your vessel, because everything can kill you so you might as well enjoy the time you have now.

A beautiful day starts with a beautiful mindset

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Quote Anon

Well-being websites have made ‘morning routines’ cliche and thinking about them can be another ‘to do’ on the list of ever growing ‘what we should do’ tasks. Do you have one? If you don’t have a conscious morning plan you probably have one through habit, as humans we tend to find patterns and stay in them.

Over the years I’ve had 5am starts with exercise, self care and nourishing food and much later wake ups with barely a comb through my hair before I’m out of the door.

If I’m honest I’ve only found a few things have stuck and enriched my life. I also think your morning rituals are only as beneficial as the quality of your sleep. Below are some things I found useful for an improved mindset

Gratitude journal: I’ve kept a gratitude journal since 2017 and have written 3 things I’m grateful for each day. I also write down 3 intentions for my day; sometimes they are practical objectives like completing tasks and sometimes they are more creative or magical. There are two big lessons to take away from my journal, firstly it instantly makes me feel good, the second is that after about six months of this daily habit it became second nature and gratitude has become a super power. Having control of my mindset from the moment I wake doesn’t mean my days are hassle free, but I certainly have a positive disposition and I believe my journal helps support and nurture this habit. So even if things do become negative, my growth mindset means I can alter my own perspective easier.

Change it up: This goes for everything you may do in the morning, if you’re short of time then having your clothes out ready is one less dilemma for the morning, but sometimes (when time allows) it can be hugely joyful to try on different things and restyle old looks. When it comes to food I’ve always been a fad eater – one minute a certain food is my favourite and I don’t want anything else, the next I’m over it and it’s the last thing I want to eat. Whilst this was annoying for my Mum when I was growing up (particularly when she’s bought 20 boxes of my favourite snack, only for me to abandon the idea and move on) it means my body is getting a larger variety of nutrients. Currently I try to never have the same breakfast twice in a row and have found the variety also makes eating less predictable and more enjoyable.

Take time to adjust: most recently I’ve taken deliberate time to wake slowly. Again, growing up I was a pocket rocket and would instantly wake, jump out of bed and get on with my day. I know many of you may not relate and may find waking hard, this could include several snooze alarms and an eternal battle to motivate yourself whilst counter arguing about all the reasons you should stay put wrapped up like a burrito in your bed…somewhere in the middle is the sweet spot. Now I tend to wake earlier than needed but not move. I give my body and my mindset time to process the day, I drink tea or hot lemon water in bed and write in my journal. Since doing this I’ve found the flow of my day is more consistent and I don’t resemble an octopus trying to accomplish eight things at once, my mind is focused and I often flow with easy into my day

What are your top tips for an effective morning routine? Have you recently altered things? Would you agree that much like the changing seasons, different times of year call for different routines?

Do your thing

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

As I wrote that quote I could hear my Year 9 English teacher Mrs H saying ‘Don’t use words like ‘stuff or thing’ it’s not specific’…well Mrs H, everyone’s ‘thing’ is different and this covers all bases.

Sometimes in life we forget who we are or what we enjoy simply because we get caught in the flow of life. We crawl through Monday morning as we reluctantly get out of bed, blink and often it’s Saturday afternoon…time flies not just when you’re having fun but when you are caught in the momentum of hum drum life…shower, work, drive, prepare meals, sleep and of course repeat.

Or events throw us off course and sometimes we forget who we were before the event, that can sometimes be a blessing as we are here to grow and thrive, but sometimes we can lose the magical moments of joy that we use to have. I remember about four months into having my son and contemplating returning to work I had to write a list of the things I enjoyed – not us as a family or me as a mother, but Lucy…what did I do before parenting knocked on my door and caught me in a baby led tsunami of nappy changes and baby snuggles?

I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you to reflect on what you enjoy, the ‘things’ that make you happy – not other people, but hobbies, past times and ‘things’. Make time in the next few days to do some of these; stay true to your morals, values and political beliefs, faith and attitudes and just do you. Don’t also be surprised if you also can’t think of any, adulting has a habit of snatching these from us. You may need to take a few minutes alone, grab a pen and paper and jot them down. All of the ‘things’ may not be available to you in this moment due to finance or your current situation but staying true to your sense of self can mean these can be achieved down the line.

Doing ‘you’ is your superpower and the world needs more of your unique vibe. Stepping into your sense of self, your happy place also makes you a better person when you return to your loved ones. Happiness leads to more moments of joy and don’t we all need a little more of that as we step in to 2022. Well, I’d love to write some more (because writing is another joy of mine) but I’m off to walk in forests, sip tea, light candles and eat cake.

The unfed mind devours itself

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Quote by Gore Vidal

A new week and time to remind ourselves that our brains need stimulation.

Feed your brain the nutrition of a Watsit, stay in your comfort zone and stop learning new things = brain mush.

Our brain is not only crucial for daily functioning but it’s what we use to make decisions and steer the course of our lives with, with each new turn of the steering wheel we create new neurone pathways and that gives us more options and allows us to flourish. When it comes to the brain, variety is not only the spice of life but the whole plate.

It’s very easy to sit in our comfort zones and as we get older, I suggest much like an old and loved couch, it’s becomes harder to get out of. This post is a moment to reflect on whether you need to do something new, go somewhere different, to take up that course you’ve always wanted to do. Perhaps you are well read and enjoy regular trips to the library, you may have not realised that you always read the same genre, or same couple of authors. This means you are likely to stay roughly in the same word count and in turn you haven’t learnt any new words or expressions for a while. Much like a child learning to speak, the more eloquent we are the further we can use language to express our emotions and to an extent, feel deeper. The same can be said if you tend to watch the same TV programmes, genre of films or visit the same websites regularly.

Part of my job as a behaviour adviser, is going into schools and observing children in classrooms. Boredom isn’t as rare as parents may hope. Whilst the bored mind can also stimulate imagination and innovation – in the majority of classrooms I’ve observed in, this isn’t always the case, it’s more likely that biros will be tapped, twirled, dropped and span. After a while, the bored mind becomes frustrated and antisocial behaviour kicks in, the mind devours itself in chaos.

The other thing a bored mind does is it has too much time, when this happens it fills itself up with fear and ‘what ifs’ – again, great for the imagination but not so much for in being / becoming a mentally well balanced individual.

A diet of fear, leads to a vulnerable existence and anxiety, so every now and then we need to take stock and reassess what our brains are digesting, food wise there are many awesome ‘brain foods’ from blueberries to nuts they can help increase performance. Exercise wise, the brain craves new environments, challenges and goals. However, one element that often gets forgotten is sleep. A good nights sleep allows the brain to process, reassess and much like a computer it turns on more effectively after it’s been reset. We may not grizzle like toddlers when we are tired (I think I do actually?) but it lowers our mood and our performance, which can effect how enjoyable we are finding the task at hand. Don’t devour your own brain, use it and manifest the life you always dreams of.