Tears are words the heart can’t say

Quote from Gerard Way

Have you ever been to a funeral, wedding or a supermarket and cried, yet deep down you aren’t really sure why?

I’ve decided that speaking is over rated, which will come as a shock for those that know me, especially my Mum. I have verbal diarrhoea most of the time. That said, my best bits of my day are usually moments of still, calm and peace in a life of chaos and sounds, tick lists and diary plans. It’s in these moments that I find true happiness, it can be seeing the sun rise or set, having white washing on the line (fresh linen is one of my favourite smells), it can be pizza in the oven or even better delivered on my doorstop with no hassle from me, but very often it’s a hug from a friend rather than the words that accompany it that I like the most.

Sometimes I cry and am not sure why I’m crying. I can cry because I’m happy, over excited or overwhelmed. At other times I can’t remember the last time I had a ‘good cry’ and that’s usually the time I decide to put on a romantic comedy and tear jerk my way through ninety   minutes of delight and despair, the cheesier the better and served with pizza is once again a bonus.

When I was learning to live with grief I had a Marmite moment. Perhaps you’ve had one of these? It goes like this:

It was around 11am and I fancied something to eat, I decided on some marmite and toast. As I was buttering the toast I began to cry, I wasn’t really sure why I was crying so carried on buttering and blubbering. As I reached for the Marmite I began to laugh at myself and it was at this point Mr F walked in to find me sobbing my heart out, snot flowing, hyperventilating gasps and laughing all at the same time. His response was priceless and went something like “if you don’t like Marmite just have butter’ this of course made me laugh a little more and eventually in a big hug I was able to explain that I didn’t have a clue why I was crying. He then laughed at me and said it was grief and that it often catches you out at the most odd moments. Since then I’ve always been cautious with Marmite on toast and fully understand that it’s okay to not always know why you feel the way you do. You just do.

I do think those magic tears often allow us to vent emotions that the mouth can’t process. I think they are fundamentally important to our wellbeing and although I don’t cry very often, I sometimes allow myself to wallow in them or break out in laughter tears which always let me know life is pretty spectacular.

Some people don’t cry, ever. I’m not convinced and wonder if they let it out in different ways – perhaps their eyelids get sweaty? Have you ever had a Marmite moment or cried just because? I can’t be the only one…can I?

My heart is complete because you are inside

 OK, lets get some perspective. Its 23:34 and I should be fast asleep. I’m not a night owl, insomniac or worried / stressed. I couldn’t settle without getting these words out and so if its slightly off the wall forgive me.

On September 29th 2015 my daughter should be 6 years old. For most Mums this means making 35 party bags, (probably Frozen themed) collecting or making the cake, booking the perfect venue and organising a day that only a parent could put the effort into for 100 dry curled sandwiches that nobody actually ever eats.

Except I wont have to do this and I haven’t ever. Several days after our little bubble was born. It popped. She passed away in my arms.

You see Gracie Alice Rose was too precious for this earth. She could only spend a few days and hours with us, and that was all we had.

I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, she was one of the BEST experiences I have ever had. I mean that to. The why’s and the hows are irrelevant at this moment in time, that was all put to rest.

What I want to share is something that Gracie gave me that was way more incredible. As my first born, she made me a Mummy. The power of that word will always haunt me – in a good way. We may of left the hospital with an empty baby car seat but she made me feel complete and she still continues to do so today.

I take her everywhere with me and in my heart she stays, protected from the negativity of this world,  she made me wake up to life.

She made me see how bloody amazing my Mr Fridge was, that he was a keeper, my soul mate and mine. He protected me and shielded me where he could, he opened sympathy cards when my heart ached too much, even though his heart was broken too. He ran errands, and in hospital he did everything I needed him to do, including sleeping on the floor so that I wasn’t alone in my little clinical room. He did that for me, he did that for our baby…our family.

Our friends and family stepped up the love, support and united in ways that my written word can never do justice. It showed cracks in those who weren’t true and it made me realise how blessed we were. My amazing Mum was honest and truthful, she always has the answers – for this there were none. I overflowed with questions, why me? why our baby? why Gracie? As we sat on the edge of my bed she looked into my eyes and said she didn’t know. I respected that and I still do now.

Gracie inspired many to raise funds, run marathons (nutters) and do good for Great Ormond street. That’s not bad for a 2 day old baby right?

She inspired me to make the most of what life has to offer and through my experience of losing her I learnt how grief can catch you in moments you would never expect, the classic moment that I will always remember was several months after she had left us and I was buttering toast, I exploded in tears and still don’t fully understand why. I often tap into this when I work with pupils who are in similar situations. You cant teach life and you cant learn it from a book in the same way as the ‘University of life’.

We don’t celebrate any of her anniversaries. We do have traditions that we follow, like at Christmas we have a star that we place on her stone. I chose not to ‘regularly’ go to her grave and never have. Instead, she is in our village cemetery and we can walk past and pop in on a dog walk, or take J there via the park. She’s part of our life in this bumbling quaint village that we live in and I like that.

…the biggest thing I’ve learnt is that when it comes to death – there is no right answer. There is usually a ‘right for you’ but it doesn’t always show up immediately and that’s OK too. The other thing Gracie taught me was that nobody can take away your memories. In several short hours we made a thousand. That’s where she remains, in my heart x

Sweet dreams Gracie and thank you for giving so much in so little time.

Attitude is a little thing…


 Quote from Winston Churchill. This is post is a reminder to keep our emotions balanced.

Working in an environment with over a thousand teenagers – I literally have a degree in attitude, so it is natural for me to talk about this part of my life.

However, attitude in society is much more interesting to me.

Last weekend Mr Fridge and I went on a date night, part of the date included a meal. Our waitress was scary and angry and well…sad. I knew that her attitude was going to end up backfiring on her. Seconds later a customer (on another table may I add) blew his top with her, as sad as I felt for her I couldn’t help thinking she had attracted negativity.

On Sunday we sat at Blackwall tunnel for a hour in static traffic and the attitude of some drivers was hysterical…nudging forward (remember I said the jam was static), cursing and making themselves upset…got them no where. We didn’t go anywhere either but we weren’t near to needing assistance for a heart attack.

I think attitude is a fine line…too passive and you get walked over, too assertive and you can become queen bossy boots and too aggressive usually lands you up in trouble. A balance of emotions is essentially as important as a balanced diet or work/play lifestyle.

Balanced emotions can get really good results, to be assertive is hugely attractive for a lot of people, especially in the work place. I do remember a teacher that I had in when I was at secondary school…he was angry before he walked in the place and we (a group of about 30 kids) knew exactly what buttons to press to cause him to explode. I do feel a little bad that I participated in this but at the same time I learnt very little in Science due to his (the adult) emotions.

Saying that, nobody is perfect and we all have days where we snap or bite. I guess those are the days that we lose our attitude balance?

I have to end of something that was intrenched into my soul throughout my childhood, it’s pretty obvious really – but manners do go along way and cost nothing. A please, thank you, compliment or even opening a door can adjust another persons attitude to you, it’s hard to be angry with someone who has just allowed you to pass through the door you are opening for them with a huge smile, and if you can help others adjust their attitude – you’re someone who is pretty special.