death

The world keeps spinning

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Lyrics from a band called Theory

When I think of the universe and the concept of infinity my mind instantly self destructs. It’s inconceivable to my mortal brain. The idea that 7billion people, plants and the animal world, not to mention the seas and the earth are just on one spinning rock? Somehow perfectly balanced with sun and moon as protective parents, keeping us warm and tucking the tides in, only for earth to push the covers off moments later. You can’t help to feel awe and wonder, that is unless you reflect on the toxicity and destruction the 7 billion people and their ancestors created, then suddenly the world can feel claustrophobic and confusing.

Under the blankets of the cosmos, tucked under earths atmosphere and in a little place I like to call ‘my world’ is me. It’s made up of my perceptions, thoughts, feelings and truths – all of which are far from that but they are at least my own. The choice I make daily are to look for sparkles of joy, to reach for awe and to believe that kindness matters. Often, much like the Earth I contaminate my own world with thoughts that exude fear and worries that niggle in the cracks.

When I was around fifteen years old I remember my English teacher introducing our class to the poem ‘stop all the clocks’ , not only did it resonate with me, much like the world spinning it blew my teenage brain that death had a finality to it…a few years later death knocked on my families door and exposed me to the emotional rollercoaster known as grief. I remember thinking, much like the verses of the poem that it was insane that my Grandad wasn’t here anymore, that whilst our family was organising a funeral, wading through this home and boxing things up destined for new adventures…that other people would go on to live in his house? A new family would knock at the door to visit and another family would nurture his garden, I also knew that the house would never have as sweet bowl a superior as my Grandads sweet tooth.

I remember waiting outside his home for the hearse to arrive, as I looked across the road other people were going about there business, off to work, kids off to school…why hasn’t the clocks stopped? Why hadn’t time stood still? Why is my family hurting and how could the universe still expand, the earth still spin?

This is the paragraph I should give a deep and profound answer to those questions. Alas, I don’t have them. What I do know is all the time I have on this spinning sphere, which in the grand scheme of its existence isn’t much…I can’t let the negativity weigh me down. Instead, I’m going to float and twirl, Im going to keep getting up and I’m going to experience moments where I wish the clocks would stop…but after a deep breath, I’ll recalibrate and keep looking for the joy amongst the cracks, I’ll keep the faith that tomorrow will be better and the world will keep on spinning. If I’m honest I’ll also have the hope that tomorrows spin will be better that today.

It goes on

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote by Robert Frost

The entire quote is…”In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learnt about life, it goes on”

This week my view of the world has been sprinkled with death. I spoke to a friend who was preparing for her Dads funeral and after a lengthy conversation with many ups and downs we came to the conclusion that you can’t prepare for such an event. It’s one of those inevitable occasions you have to ‘get through’, balancing your needs and others from moment to moment.

I remember the periods in my life when death destroyed me and I felt like my heart had been pulled through my body, my stomach was too high, lungs collapsed and it took all my energy to grasp at the next breath. When I’d glimpse out of the window and wonder how the world was still ‘getting on with it’, people still laughing, going about their daily business when in that very moment my world had been turned upside down, obliterated, never to be the same…whilst I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel the despair I was in at that very moment it didn’t seem right that others continued? Perhaps that makes me selfish but it’s certainly how I felt.

In my darkest times, be that the loss of someone dear or illness / trauma, tea has honestly been my light. I realise that’s a cliche for British people but it’s true. When everything around me feels heavy, dark and too much, a warm cup to grasp, a sweet contradiction in taste to how I feel seems to give me a sparkle of happiness. It’s a minuscule moment but if you grab it with both hands (obviously putting your tea cup down somewhere safe first) it can open a crack to hope…

This glimmer of hope can lead to a small event, such as a shower and some clean clothes, in turn this can make you feel ‘better’ even if for a passing moment…collect these moments of hope, sparkles of happiness and pull them together and just as the quote suggests life goes on.

Life goes on, never the same, better for having known them, loved them and shared moments with them but it does go on. In fact when you once again find yourself in the light you realise that you are a more empathetic, connected and articulated person for having felt the weigh of their lose and also the blessings of ever having had them to love.

It goes on. Thank heavens

Sometimes happy memories hurt the most

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Very soon we will of breathed for 3650 days without our first born, our daughter Gracie Alice Rose.

As I’ve written previously she was too precious for this earth and so was given her wings early. We were blessed with several days with her and in that small amount of time created enough memories to get us through a life time without her…just. I remember every moment and each stage before we left the hospital with her car seat empty and our hearts in pieces.

At the time we were cocooned by the love of our family and friends, but also the ripples of love that travelled into our communities, work places and beyond. This experience has given me a masters in grief. It wasn’t a qualification that I was planning on taking, but I hope that my knowledge might make things a little easier when you find yourself in the shadows of grief.

People lie

Much like a pregnancy, in death people like to give advice. “It’ll be ok” “when my mum died..” it goes on. However, one wise Nanny told me “people will tell you it gets easier with time – they’re liars”. At the time it felt like Nanny had bluntly slapped me across the face, a different tone shall we say from the sympathy cards we’d received in their dozens. Alas, she was right and with this blunt truth and sudden adjustment to my thoughts, it somehow made it easier? I wasn’t waiting for the day I’d feel ‘me’ again, because ‘I’ was changed forever. With this comes several added delights, people are lying to you because they love you enough to want to make it better. to ease the brutal process. You are loved. Also, I don’t want to forget anything about that 5lb9 bundle of joy, so why would losing her get easier? Another truth is you do smile again, breathing gets a little easier and appreciation for what you had, even if like in our case it was only for days…becomes a blessing.

Break all the rules

If grief was a fairy, she would be naughty, mischievous and unpredictable – she would turn up when she liked, how she liked and make you feel how you didn’t expect to feel. Some people believe that there are steps to grief (google tells me there are seven), in reality there are actually as many as your grief fairy decides. You may think you’re through guilt and in to anger and then fairy grief side sweeps you back to stage one ‘shock’. It’s your journey and just because I’ve got my masters in grief doesn’t mean I know how you feel, what you need or how best to support you. My best advice would be to reach out to someone you trust and tell them. If they are a good friend, they’ll already know you’re crazy and love you for it, so to hear that one day your fine, the next your on top of the world and the third you’ve been wearing the same Pyjamas for a month and don’t remember where the shower is will come as no surprise. Talk to your tribe, be as honest as you can about your feelings and if you can’t put it into words, silence is best served with a friend by your side.

If none of the above resonates with you, remember ‘what do I know?’ and people are liars. However, if it made things a little easier then in our family we call that a ‘Gracie steps’, tiny steps to progress.

If you’ve been affected by any of the content in this post, please speak to a loved one, your GP or perhaps speak to the wonderful people at The Samaritans (UK) 116123.