positive

Cheeseburgers make everything better

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote from Fridgesays

I feel like before I write this blog I should pay tribute to my British heritage and mention that a cup of tea can solve most problems…but if you are looking to enrich your life, I’d recommend a cheeseburger.

This is the tale of solace and not about burgers at all, so if you are a vegan keep reading and perhaps you’ll find your own alternative. As a household we eat well, I make most of our food from scratch, we aren’t huge snackers and we eat limited quantities of processed food, when creating dinners I am conscious to remove additives that are unnecessary and go to lengths to ensure we eat as many whole foods as possible.

Then there are cheeseburgers.

After the death of my daughter, I had existed on hospital food for far too long. It was just after 5pm when we left the hospital and we (myself and my partner) were driving home feeling everything and nothing. There are moments in life when you can’t explain how you are feeling, simply because the devastation you are holding is beyond human vocabulary. On the way home we drove through the Golden Arches and purchased a meal each. For as long as I can remember I’ve always ordered a double cheeseburger. But that cheeseburger hit a whole new level of nostalgia and taste sensation. Of course, it was a highly processed, low nutrient and a toxic standard product…I imagine it was all of these things that my empty shell needed in that moment. Many women after giving birth recall the white toast and butter served by the NHS the greatest food they’ve ever had. I’m not sure it has any gourmet greatness, it’s just an exhausted woman will find joy in sugar, fats and carbs.

That burger was sixteen years a go and grief process is still one that I’m learning to live alongside…with the help of a cheeseburger.

This is a photo of me in the drive through yesterday.

When the world becomes too much and my adult life is forced into overwhelmed I take myself for a secret cheeseburger.

Yesterday was no different. The Mr had gone out for a dog walk and my son was in his room playing…I knew it was a burger moment, so I called out that I was popping out. I didn’t tell anyone where I was going and I didn’t purchase food for anyone else. Just a single burger (in my case a double cheeseburger), I drove to the arches, ordered via the drive through, ate my burger on the journey home and carried on my day like nothing had happened.

What’s actually occurring on that fifteen minute expedition is solace. I’m giving myself a small gap in my busy world to serve myself. To reconnect with grief and say ‘I see you, I feel you’ and I honour it with a good taste…a cheers to the universe if you like. I don’t need to talk, I do need to be alone and I do need to not serve anyone else. If I had my burger but also got things for everyone at home that wouldn’t serve its purpose, as a working parent all I do is juggle the running home/ work balance and it involves meal planing and pouring nutrients into my ever growing family…as you can see from the photo I’m not emotional, although wet tear filled cheeseburgers have been consumed in the past. What it’s about is prioritising myself. Being alone and not worrying about upsetting anyone else. Catching up with what I need and it’s often not about the burger at all, it’s about being with me, feeling what I need to feel and moving on.

Cheeseburger expeditions can be once or many times a year and never at a particular anniversary- they are always random at random times of day or night – grief never invites itself, it engulfs you during the most mundane tasks. I’ve never explained myself or felt the need to share the experience. It’s just a moment, a fifteen minute pause on life’s ever to do list, but often enough to allow me to return to my family content and rebalance.

Hugs are great and the company of my loved ones is always a welcome addition, even a good cry can be hugely beneficial for the soul, but sometimes (for me anyway) a cheeseburger can get me back on track. cheeseburgers make everything better, like a plaster on a cut knee.

*administer burgers at your own discretion

Talking is good, even if the topic is silly

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Quote original from Fridgesays

As far back as I can recall my Mum and I have spent time together ‘talking sh*t’ – this means being silly, talking about nothing of importance and absolutely talking for the sake of talking. Sadly, I don’t live in walking distance of my parents, so I will often pick up the phone to ‘talk sh*t’ with her.

Mr F thinks it’s foolish but I’ve always felt it was good for the soul. Talking sh*t isn’t to be confused with gossip – that is often toxic and breeds discontent and negativity. Talking rubbish however, allows adults to play and often begins with a hypothetical scenario or an aspect of make believe.

Last night at the dinner table I asked my son what food he thought of when I said ‘dream meal’ – not what your dream meal is but what image you conjure in your mind, mine is a burger and his is a specific chicken burger, Mr F reluctantly joined in and said that he thought of pizza, he then asked why I had asked and I had to confess it was for no particular reason.

This morning I was in a supermarket grabbing some snacks after Rugby and I thought about last nights chat and whilst I got a pain au chocolat for myself, I got Mr F a pizza slice. As I handed it to him I remarked on how sometimes playing/chat for no good reason at the time allows us to better understand each other and that last nights dinner table banter had resulted in the manifestation of pizza slices, had we not have had the conversation we certainly all would have had pastries. He looked at me, as he often does with utter confusion and walked away.

I read this paragraph in another blog recently

Talking nonsense isn’t frivolous or meaningless. It’s an act of trust and love, a way of saying, “Here’s my unfiltered, quirky self,” and inviting the other person to respond in kind.

And it resonated with me. It made me reflect on my childhood and how, perhaps without knowing it my mother’s conversation with me were one of the many reasons I have such a clear sense of self. They often ended it laughter or a joke that only we shared and even when the topic was of a heavier nature, talking it through in a nonsensical manner meant the mood never deteriorated.

I’ll attach the link to the blog I read at the bottom of this post, it explores topics we have discussed on this blog previously about adults playing, being childish and how positive it is for mental health, but I can see that it’s also enriching as a shared activity, a bond and does allow you to better know those around you. Perhaps this week you might also ask some hypothetical questions over dinner; If you was a dog what breed would you be? If you had to pick a celebrity to be your best friend who would you select and why? The list of talking rubbish is endless but I think it might be the healthiest rubbish your body has ever absorbed. Lastly, a shout out to my Mum who’s always a phone call away to talk to.

As promised, link to article: https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-joy-of-talking-nonsense-with-someone-you-love/

In the end we all become stories

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Quote Anon

Without doubt my least favourite thing is people. As a race, we are greedy, thoughtless and selfish towards our planet and those that we live amongst. However, my favourite thing to collect are peoples stories. I realised that my brain is like a library full of events and scenarios that people have shared and I have interpreted. If my brain was a library then my favourite section would be the kindness aisle; stories that contain acts of kindness or random moments of joy, thoughtful exchanges, feeling deeply and unexpected.

Interpretation is personal, I’ve taught the same lesson to thirty teens and know they’ve each walked out of the lesson taking with them a variation on the learning objective. You could tell me a story but how I interpret it and the themes or feelings I feel are all categorised in my personal library. Many times have I read a book and remember moments hidden amongst the main theme that had a huge impact on me, when I attend my book club we always discuss a range of concepts and topics, some of which I didn’t think about when reading the book? I guess that’s the joy in sharing.

Eulogies at funerals always seem unfair and bias to the person who has pulled them together. I recently attended a funeral of a person I worked with, but the eulogy was framed (of course it was) around her being a loving and dedicated mother…that wasn’t the version of her that I knew, the story I told myself of who she was at work. As the eulogy was read I found it baffling and doubted I had known her. However, then I realised how wonderful that my version of her was mine alone.

Perhaps you read this blog because I ask you too (thanks Mum), because you know me beyond the screen, because you like my writing style, topics, rants and thoughts…I hope it’s because I make you feel good. I hope it’s because you feel a little better when you click off the page. I hope the pages of my blog can sometime be found in the kindness aisle of your internal library.

In the end we all become stories, take time to reflect on the stories that make you feel good, wander the aisles of your library and relish the memories you have made that feel a little magical. Should you ever step into the horror section, know it’s a brief aisle, an aisle you can leave and perhaps take a moment to think about where you might sit in other peoples libraries, perhaps you sit in the kindness section of a complete stranger due to an act that had a profound effect on them but is unmemorable to you.

Everything is a choice

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Having a choice feels free and exciting, it means you are in control and as humans we like to be (or like to think) we are in control. That said, as an adult I have the choice of choosing what my family eats EVERY DAY and it’s exhausting! Some choice opportunities are better than others.

At times, life can give us multiple choices that again, can become overwhelming and sometimes that smallest of choices can drain our souls (did I mention picking my families menu for the week?)

We can also feel like we don’t have a choice and that can be just as terrifying. The quote suggests that we always have a choice and whilst I agree I think it’s important to remember that nothing in life is ever simple. Let’s take the scenario that you’re in a cafe and the waitress brings you over a latte, only you ordered tea. You may think you can’t do anything about it but this small issue can be altered by many different outcomes, here’s a few choices you could consider;

  • Drink the latte
  • Look confused and hope the waitress has telepathically worked out the error
  • Order a new beverage
  • Politely remind the waitress of your order and ask for her to take the latte back and bring you a tea
  • Sulk – but do nothing
  • Leave without drinking anything

You may think you don’t have a choice, your social etiquette and anxiety may prevent you from doing anything but that in itself doesn’t stop the choice being there.

Outcomes are something that we sometimes didn’t choose and wouldn’t want for ourselves. It can feel like our choices haven’t been taken into account, which in itself can feel awful. Not so much with incorrect drink orders but larger outcomes like not getting the job we applied for, the paperwork we need, a medical diagnosis or experiencing fertility outcomes we hadn’t thought possible. This is where the magic lies. Warning : it doesn’t feel like magic at the time, it feels like swallowing bricks. Sometimes, we can’t change the outcome but we do still have a choice in how we react and move on from the outcome given to us. This often means letting go of how we perceived the situation was going to work out. (Note: this is hard!) However, if we can let go of the hows and the when’s, then we allow magic to enter that often allows us to achieve our outcome.

I should also add, we are all working this out as we go. Life doesn’t have a manual but what I can offer you is billions of choices in each life time. Studies have recently shared that as adults we make 122 choices on average each day, the fun part is that half of these we then alter. The best thing you can do on your current path is be content with the choices you do have and let go of ‘how’ the outcome is achieved. Great news is that if you haven’t liked anything I’ve written about you have the choice to stop reading, that said I hope you keep returning for more content. Perhaps everything really is a choice?

The ending won’t end you

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

K.Tolnoe

On 17th September 2023 I began a painting challenge. It involved one hundred Pantone cards and the idea was to paint one a week. I introduced myself to using Gouche paint and the reason I began was not only to have a creative outlet but to develop a skill.

A couple of weeks ago I painted card number fifty six. However, I haven’t been enjoying the process for some time and have missed weeks or painted things that didn’t interest me. I am extremely good at seeing things through, even if they are a little dull or tough but I realised that this challenge was no longer serving me and had in fact become an unnecessary burden.

Ladies and gentlemen we don’t do burdens at fridge central. Life is too short. So we did the sensible thing and put out paintbrushes back in their pockets (clean obviously). Does it bother me that I didn’t finish at least on a round number, preferable a ten – yes! But sitting and painting four paintings I don’t wish to do is not something I am going to spend energy on.

Luckily, I am generally good at seeing things through, so I’m not abandoning a challenge half way through and recognising a pattern that concerns me, nor will I concern my inner critic over the abandonment – why? Honestly, we killed her off a long time ago, I try to do things that keep me creative, learning and sparking joy but not at the cost of feeling bored.

I do enjoy painting the little squares I did manage to complete and I also plan to return to the challenge at a later point. However, I know myself well enough to realise it was no longer serving me. Sure in adult land that are many things we have to do, but when it comes to some aspects they are options, for example if you don’t enjoy the gym, venture outside for a run, try taking a class or perhaps find your own challenge to reignite your exercise habits.

I also found other benefits to this creative process such as, seeing improvements in my skill, learning to laugh at the process when things went wrong (embarrassingly wrong) and carving some time for myself away from the demands of work and family life to do something for me. I definitely prefer painting in winter, snuggled in front of the fire. So perhaps in a few months I shall find those paint brushes and start phase two of ‘100 Pantone challenge’ until then you’ll find me outside exploring this wonderful world and soaking up the sun.

Kindness heals

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Recently I have been the recipient of kindness and I wanted to pass it on. This blog comes with an affiliated link but if that’s not your thing, then just don’t press the link. That said, as always at fridgesays this blog is worth the read for a hopefully warm glow.

In November, I had a period that was so intense it made me vomit. If I can move around I’m usually fine, but mother nature struck when I found myself in a three hour board meeting, wearing a pencil skirt in a room with little ventilation, to say it was less than ideal was an understatement but once I was out of the meeting and able to move I soon felt better. My friend in the meeting, Kelly commented that she saw me go pale before I exited for the ladies facilities. Like a pro I returned but we joked on the way home that there was no way I could have hidden a hot water bottle under my skirt, that is not a pro move, so suffer it was.

A couple of days later in the office Kelly said she had a gift for me:

https://amzn.to/3ESlyf4 (link if you’d like to know more) . It was this box of three heated pain relief pads, that claim to be discreet and last for 12 hours….

Let’s take a pause to thank the gorgeous Kelly for seeing these and thinking of me, that to me is true kindness. Having a tribe of wonderful people around me is the greatest gift a person could ask for.

During my menstruation cycle in January I gave them a whirl and I was blown away! A simple peel of the wrapper and it stuck in place all day and most of the evening. The product provides a gentle heat (not intense as a hot water bottle) and the warmth kept coming. I honestly didn’t believe it would last 12 hours. The pad I used was still producing warmth 16 hours later… who knew iron and carbon could heal pain and how does warmth actually heal? In essence, heat causes the blood vessels in that area to dilate, enhancing perfusion to the targeted tissue. For under £2 for three pads that’s a lot of healing for little expense.

I will certainly be purchasing more, to be able to stick one in place and get on with my day whilst receiving a warm hug where needed is an absolute game changer as a full time working parent. I also plan to buy a few as gifts, one for a friend who really suffers with her menstruation and another who has a daughter about to start her periods. These would have been so handy when I was at school, trying to focus on the lesson content but equally feeling like my uterus was doing the can-can. Kindness matters and whilst I’m grateful to Kelly for her kind act, I’m also an advocate for passing kindness on to others.

Like I said, if you have a sad uterus in your life, click the link and give these a whirl.

Life is short and it’s here to be lived

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Quote by Kate Winslett

When you are fabulous you don’t need to take any dramatic action in January. I honestly believe the month is for snuggling through, lighting candles and being gentle to yourself. The skies are grey and the mood, absent of Christmas twinkle can be heavy. Nobody needs to reinvent themselves, to put on Lycra and pound the pathways at 5am. Unless you are a rabbit then lettuce is also not necessary to consume, it’s out of season and what your body needs is comfort and warmth…in fact now I’ve given it some thought I have a odd feeling that not even rabbits are meant to eat lettuce? Isn’t it bad for them? In which case lettuce is probably catastrophic for you to munch in January.

I did make an incredible New Year’s resolution about seven or eight years ago and I’ve stuck to it ever since. I decided to not purchase items of clothing without pockets. Pockets bring me immense joy and let’s face it, they’re useful. So I’m not anti New Year’s resolutions, in fact in the same spirit as pocket power, I’m planning a similar resolution this year. Something that adds to my existence not makes me cold, sad and inadequate.

I’m not a sweet toothed princess, but I do really enjoy dark chocolate. I often have a piece each evening, a square from a generic supermarket purchase bar…for Christmas Mr Fs parents bought me some perfume and some very posh chocolate. The box was gold and came wrapped in a beautiful gold bow. Tonight the house is empty (the boys are at Rugby training) and I made myself a hot drink, snuggled in front of the fire and remembered the posh chocolate.

As I opened the box it felt indulgent and exciting. The ribbon was too beautiful to be discarded so I placed it in my hair. I then had the best decision to make – which chocolate to select! I went for a dark chocolate with little pieces of coconut on top. I then closed the box and I’m already looking forward to tomorrow evenings choice.

With the ribbon firmly in my hair, I made a decision: this year I will purchase hand made chocolate (locally sourced where possible) and each evening I will have one delightful bite of joy! Why? Because it makes me happy, because everyone needs more ribbons in their ribbon box (it’s true the majority of women have a ribbon box, much like men have little trays of odd pieces of metal and a draw full of cable ties) and I love the romance of ending each day with a little moment of indulgence. This resolution is already exiting me. I’ll absolutely keep to it and it will improve my chocolate experience and support local businesses.

If you are looking to upgrade twenty twenty-five then make sure it is something that will bring you joy and happiness, we can bring back salads in the warmer months and snuggle our way through the colder months. Resolutions are something to stick to, so make sure anything you decide enhances your experience of life.

Quiet places and soft moments

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Quote by Franchella

Warning this post contains joy and indulgence, some readers may be allergic.

It’s blursday, somewhere between Christmas and new year and I’m in front of the fire, snuggled and content. This my wonderful readers is the dream. If you turn on your tv or scroll the web, the commercials will tell you that you need to lose weight and that their product can help, that this year you’ll achieve your dreams…let me share with you a wonderful moment ahead of the glitz of Christmas.

I was sat on my sofa at home, snuggled under a homemade blanket, it was freshly washed (guests due to arrive within twenty four hours) and Mr F bought me a huge mug of hot peppermint tea. It was quiet (an odd occurrence in my home) and I was watching the lights and decorations on our Christmas tree sparkle, the TV was off. The magic of Christmas shouldn’t have begun but my heart felt full. Perhaps it was the anticipation of what was to come or perhaps it was simply perfect.

Over the last few days of Christmas festivities, my Mum mentioned that the highlights of this Christmas were the small things, that in life often pleasure is found in the simple moments. It was a welcome lesson I’ve relearnt many times and always brings me joy. Giggles on a dog walk, a left over sandwich (far superior than the grand meal from the previous day), seeing the sun attempt to shine, thoughtful gifts…simple pleasures, a wink, a smile, a hug.

About a week ago I purchased a pink fluffy jacket for a friend and when it arrived from Vinted I was envious, I tried it on (mistake one) and whilst it was a little big for me it was joyfully snuggly. Mr F thought I’d purchase it for myself and I explained my jealous situation. I couldn’t deny my friend the fluffy joy, but could I deny myself? Then I had a melt down, this isn’t uncommon in my household. Sometimes my princess ways bubble out of control, Mr F said I should just keep it…but my conscious wouldn’t allow it. He asked how much it was – Topshop, £4 and then he said ‘buy yourself another one’…what a man ladies and gentlemen! So I scrolled and I found one in my size with labels for £5…today it arrived and I am wearing the pink fluffy jacket and the goodness continues. My friend and I can now twin and wear them at the same time, we’ll look like giant marshmallows or Care Bears. I don’t feel bad as I didn’t deny her pink fluff joy and I indulged myself so I’m happy too. Where’s this going?

Sometimes a five pound jacket makes you happy, sometimes moments of quiet can refill your cup and soft fabrics can warm your soul…as we head out of blursday and into the new year, be kind to yourself. Eat well but eat happy, look out for glimmer moments that remind you life is good. So many people search for big dreams when I honestly believe peace, warmth and stillness is an achievable dream for us all. If you want to create this dream then vinted have plenty of pink fluffy coats (we can all twin!) …don’t deny yourself small pleasures and don’t underestimate the joy in the quieter moments that life can offer, you just need to be still long enough to enjoy them. Blessings.

Does the process know we are trusting it?

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It will get better. It will come good in the end. You’ll be ok….ummm, will I?

Trusting the process is super easy with two elements; the passage of time and hindsight. Prior to completing the task or process you are only human if you feel lost and doubtful.

It’s Saturday afternoon and it’s raining, the bleak light and the grey skies are doing everything they can to pull me into a dark mood. Last week I wrote an upbeat post titled ‘Why not me?’ this week I’m sat in a negative thought pattern of despair and ‘why me?’ (Add violin music and a night background of rain, lightly trickling down a window paine). I’m not very good at being negative and I particularly suck when there really isn’t a reason to feel down…it would be easy to make a list of all the things I’m grateful for but at this moment in time that feels far to contrived and a life time away from where I am and how I feel.

What can I do? Well, in this moment I check in on myself with a dash of ‘ Maslows hierarchy of need’ . Educators will be down with Mas’s theory and it’s certainly worth a google but in essence to be our most transcendent and actualised self, to truly thrive we need all of the elements at the bottom of the pyramid as our foundation. At the bottom is ‘physiology’ and this means our basic needs; sleep, food and shelter, the next level is safety and this can often be missing in our day to day lives meaning we can’t focus on bigger objectives. Staying at the bottom of the pyramid a little longer I’m noting that I’ve slept well, I’m home safe and I have just eaten – however, don’t underestimate how poor your mental health can dip if one of these basic human rights is missing. Often after a busy day I’ll slouch on the sofa and realise I haven’t eaten or drunk anything since the day before.

Like a spoilt princess my Maslow pyramid is looking sturdy, so what am I going to do? Next is movement – have I left the house, moved my body and allow prosocial chemicals to mix into my blood steam. Thanks to a demanding four legged house mate, I have been out in nature today. I walked the dog for about forty five minutes and we even went to a forest where the autumn canopy was showing off her best colour display.

Lastly, it’s OK. Today I feel down, I don’t have a reason why, I don’t need to do anything about it either. I’m just going to treat myself like a sad best friend. I’m going to make a warm drink and take the afternoon slowly and with ease. I’m not going to socialise – nobody needs my company in this moment and I don’t have the need to be around humans. I might light some candles, I will ignore house chores and I may read a book or watch a film. In this moment I don’t trust the process that everything will work out well, this afternoon will not go down in Lucy history as the best I’ve ever lived. I will avoid social media because I don’t need to see friends living their best life and that’s a kindness boundary that I need to put in place for myself today.

I’m not sure if the process knows we are trusting it and im not sure I want to today? Perhaps tomorrow we will give the process a hug and apologise for being a doubting diva, perhaps we will visualise and manifest, but don’t think you always have to be on track and making progress. Humans are complex beings and existing in 2024 can be hazardous to our wellbeing and mental load…be kind to yourself and check in regularly with what you need. Today I need nothing and that’s ok too.

Why not me?

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A question rather than a quote.

Some people think they were born lucky, others not so much. Some people don’t believe luck is a thing, that the balance of good and bad comes to us all.

I choose to see good and I choose to believe in luck. I’m not bothered about being proved wrong or right, I know that perceiving that I’m lucky, that I’m likely to win is more enjoyable in the ‘now’.

Early this week I heard an advert for a competition on the radio, the winner was to be announced on Friday evening. I gave some thought to what I would do if I won and myself and my imagination had a lovely time over a cup of tea making hypothetical plans. Adult life can often be dull, I also choose to lighten life with games. I made the decision that if I saw a Robin before Thursday I would purchase a ticket. I’ve no idea why a Robin but then again, why not? On Wednesday I saw a Robin and it made me laugh. True to word, I went home and purchased a ticket. Friday evening came and I carved out time to listen to the radio station to hear ‘me win’ – I went for a walk and listened live, awaiting my phone call. It was excited and as the announcement of the winner got nearer I thought about what I’d say, how I’d accept my prize and how this win would alter plans for the upcoming weekend, after all it would be a weekend sprinkled with celebration! I’d probably call my parents and let them know first. My heart was beginning to race as the radio played out the dialling tone. I looked at my phone…

The announcement came and some b*tch called Janet won. On this occasion Janet slipped in, in the last moment and stole my prize…and then I laughed in spite of myself and realised that the ticket had bought me more joy than the financial cost of the ticket. Instantly I was happy for Janet and knew that my time wasn’t this week. I’d enjoyed imagining the win. I could comfortable afford to lose and in some ways I had won. My dull routined week had a dashing of joy and mystery, the unknown made life feel a little fired up and for that I consider myself lucky.

Why not me? They had to call someone. It made me reflect on all of the ‘wins’ I’ve had in life, from esoteric health and safety to church raffles and poetry competitions as a child. In that moment I felt blessed.

Cinderella apparent lived happily ever after with her man, why not me? Janet won the competition, at another time in the future, why not me? There might be a promotion at work, if I go for it, someone has to get the job – why not me?

This isn’t a post about gambling, if it was it’s a great post to remind you that the odds don’t often fall in your favour. It’s about seeking joy and having your own back – why not you? In the lead up to Christmas, hold back some magic for yourself. Make up games that make you chuckle as you see glimmers of serendipitous moments appear in your world. Enjoy the mundane and never forget your imagination is as fabulous as you dare to dream.

For those that may find the gambling aspect of this blog resonates https://www.gambleaware.org/ is where you can find free advice and guidance. GambleAware is a charity registered in England and Wales (1093910) and in Scotland (SC049433) and incorporated in England as a company (04384279), limited by Guarantee, and registered with the Charity Commission for England and Wales & the Scottish Charity Regulator (OSCR).