parenting

Little people, growing shoots, happy hearts and muddy boot.

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

An extract from a poem, unfortunately I can’t see an author to give credit.

I picked the quote to remind myself of what childhood should be about after seeing a post from Emma Nicolet on Instagram, she’s an influencer and also a parent. Her post was about not giving your children smart phones. I thought I’d share how we are navigating this in our home at present. *warning: some of the content in this blog may be a trigger for some readers.

It’s important to say that in my teaching career in a secondary school, Ive seen the worst that social media and the online world can offer children. Online male pedophiles claiming to be 14yrs old boys, grooming, raping and then deleting all trace of evidence, bullying to the degree that death threats are whacked into WhatsApp messages as casual as asking ‘what’s for dinner?’, issues that occur out of school being dragged into the school community and taking up significant amounts of pastoral staffs time on a daily basis, suicidal ideation and self harm a daily occurrence where children use their devices to access ‘how to’ clips…I think you get my drift.

I also have an eleven year old child who is due to start secondary school in the new academic year and will be accessing public transport. We are fortunate that he doesn’t have a huge interest in the internet, he is your ‘sports / mud / outdoors kind of kid. We thought about not bothering with a mobile device, that he could use public phones like we did growing up…then my partner pointed out that in our rural location – there simply aren’t any. Public transport is also minimal and options are limited. He may need to contact us from time to time to be able to get home.

I’ve always made my son aware of online issues, we’ve read articles together and I’ve gathered his opinions. Last week in a family gathering (both parents and him on the top of the landing hallway randomly as we were about to leave the house) asked him if he’d like one and what that may look like. Up until now he’s always said things like ‘nah, they’re pointless and I’ll just break it’ (the kid is at least aware of his own weaknesses), however he said ‘if only they did a phone that was just a phone, then I could call you if I needed you but not all the other drama’…I then produced a Nokia 2760 (which use to belong to his Grandad) like a Blue Peter presenter ‘here’s one I made earlier’ . The phone launched in 2007 and is a very basic flip phone, limited internet and a pixilated camera phone. I then splashed out on a 99p pay as you go SIM card and he was in action, the kids worth it…

Several things then happened: we don’t need to worry about online content and group messages – he can’t access them. We don’t need to use apps to track his fancy device or worry about breaking it – we’re talking vintage Nokia, designed to be indestructible. If he looses it (when) it’ll cost under £20 to replace. Whilst he enjoys rummaging in his pocket and flipping his phone like a 90s swathe James Bond character, it’s already become practical within a few days of ownership and lost the glamour that a smart phone may have, so we don’t need to worry about his posture as he stares downwards 24/7 or how many hours he’s on the device. It’s a phone, a safety device, a tool…

This is how we are choosing to parent currently, it’s a decision like whether you eat at the table or what you allow your child to watch. It’s working for us because the decision is child led, we aren’t making him have something he doesn’t want, we are giving him something that might keep him a little safer. I’m also aware of the issues around having a perceived ‘burner phone’.

Whilst I’m sure a smart phone will be useful down the line, we are currently on the ‘stabiliser’ version of mobile phones, for us and more importantly for our child, it’s not something we need the added drama from, he has access to a laptop for homework, a gaming console (in our communal area – not in his bedroom and not online) and as stated earlier, he would rather be catching a Rugby ball than staring at a screen. However, I wanted to share our story as it may help you navigate your own journey of ‘online parenting’, I’m aware there are many apps and parental safety devices that you can install – however, I’m unsure that more technology is required to solve the problems that technology created in the first place. If this post resonates with you, please share with others, raising digital humans is hard, as parents we will never get it all correct, but it’s worth being aware that sometimes there are alternative options. Here’s to a few more days of happy hearts and muddy boots.

You can do anything but not everything

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote has several origins

This week I was listening to one of my regular podcasts, Kathryn Ryan’s – ‘Telling everybody everything’ and she mentioned this premise in one of her recent episodes. We can often feel guilty for not being the best partner, as we are also being the best mother and at work we are full time committed to being the best employer/employee…it’s a perpetuating circle that often leads to unfulfilled happiness within ourselves, as we can’t be everything to everyone…oh and did I mention, we also need to have wonderful self care regimes, self love, a nutritious diet, regular exercise and quality sleep? It’s a to do list worth aspiring to but one that often is unattainable. Whilst I fully agree with this, I think it’s crucial that we teach our children that they can have it all, just not all at once.

I want to provide my child with all the opportunities to succeed and to become whatever he would like to be. At this point his interests are wide and skill sets are vast, he really could be anything when he decides on a career path. My son is happy, healthy and loved. These are nonnegotiable, but recently I’ve been teaching him how to balance responsibilities and the various elements of life, why? Because you can do everything and be anything but you can’t do it all at the same time.

It’s a skill that isn’t taught in school but one in which I try to role model for his current and future wellbeing. I do this by speaking my thoughts out loud and then explaining how I’m going to complete the tasks; it could be as simple as explaining that I want to go and have a bubble bath, I need a face mask but the washing needs loading, hanging and I need to clean the bathroom. I’ll then explain how I’m going to make the list workable (I’ll wear my face mask whilst cleaning the bathroom or I’ll run the bath and before I step in I’ll pop the washing on… I also think it’s essential to also role model asking for help and also compromise, so I may explain I won’t have time to clean the bathroom and have a bath, but I can have a shower after cleaning the bathroom, or I’ll say if I make time for a bath could he help me by hanging the washing out? So often team work and a sharing of responsibilities is essential so that the family unit can thrive.

This may seem like an obvious post but as a Mumma in 2023 where dreams seem an instant attainable option by clicking a link, I do want my child to dream big, but also want him to be grounded and have strategies to achieving those goals. So, if you are preaching the positive quotes that ‘What my fridge says’ inspires, make sure any little ears also have access to techniques to help them achieve. It’s worth reflecting, as recently my son had a party to attend but also had a homework task due, by the time the evening came around he had done ten extra minutes in the days leading up to the party (without my prompting) to leave him free to go off and enjoy himself, in his own little way ‘he had it all’ and that’s as skillset I can get behind.

Dream big little dude.

Fortune favours the bold

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote from a Latin proverb

On the eve of my sons tenth birthday he asked me at the dinning room table if ‘for his birthday’ he could put his favourite quote on our fridge… internally my mothers pride and quote goddess did backflips, externally the wise mother checked what quote he wanted. *if you’ve ever spent any time with a ten year old boy you’ll know that anything is possible and not necessarily appropriate. He said he’d like his favourite proverb, internally again, I was ecstatic that he knew the word ‘proverb’, and delivered the optimistic and courageous words found in the title.

How could I say no? That night while he slept and his Dad and I did last minute banner hanging and gift wrapping I took down the previous quote and went with his.

Parenting a double digit child I’m certainly needing this quote daily, he seems to have found a new level of freedom and independence that wasn’t present when he was nine. My mothering instinct wants to bubble wrap him from the world and keep him safe with me, but I also see ‘fortune’ when he returns with a new independent smile – he has achieved something all on his own.

It began with taking his bike out alone, a little further each day, it expanded when he announced he was meeting his Grandparents at the local cafe for breakfast. He explained the table was booked for 9:30am so he would leave at ten past, park his bike in his Nans garage and that would give them plenty of time to walk to the cafe…sure enough at around 9:08am he said ‘right, shoes on – I’m off, catch you later’ …what happened to me making the plans with his Nanny? Instead, I swallowed my own insecurities and reminded his to look both ways.

When he returned he’d bought me a cake and I couldn’t help but feel incredibly proud of our little dude (and always grateful for cake and thoughtful gestures)

Next he wanted to go to the supermarket to purchase some items so he could make lunch. I asked what we needed to buy, but he insisted it was all a surprise…he wanted to make lunch with us all on his own – from shop to plate.

He has been ten for nearly a month now and I’m feeling braver as he is bold, the fortune is all mine as I watch him grow into his own person, the gift of parenting is certainly from a distance of late and I dare say that distance will grow during the teenage years – something nobody warns you when your pregnant. The first steps, words and trying new foods soon becomes the lasts, in fact I’m not sure when I was last able to pick him up and carry him? He is working on picking me up now.

Be bold but take care and caution my mighty ten.