listen

You’re not that important

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote from ‘Blue Sisters’

Easter holidays are great in my opinion as it gives me even more time to read. In the last few days I’ve read four books and I’ve learnt that I like to take phrases, sections of overall moral lessons from books. It’s like learning from a journey without the hassle of leaving the house and you don’t have to worry about passports or tickets.

In Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors, the book reflects on four adult siblings, one has passed away and as the story continues you realise that they each blame themselves, feel they should have done more to prevent the death of their adored sister. Their mother wisely informs them ‘you’re not that important’ and it made me laugh and then reflect.

So often after a bereavement or loss such as job or relationship break down we think we should have done more, could have done something different to alter the paradigm we are now in. It’s also a time when the people around you will give you advice and it’s often deep and comes with a side order of best intensions and love.

That’s why I adore the advice; you’re not that important. People are complex beings that often make self absorbed decisions and forget to look ahead. We’re all often self absorbed that we don’t consider other peoples opinions or how our decisions might affect them. To an extent this is a good thing, if we thought things through thoroughly and weighed up all of the options we may find we’d never leave the house or do anything, we’d also be permanently crippled by anxiety and ‘what ifs’ would leave us paralysed in fear.

That said. we naturally want to help our loved ones and when things take a dark turn it’s natural for us to reflect on what we could of done to prevent the situation. However, we all need a little Mum advice, the best is often blunt and to the point…you aren’t that important. They did what they did because they wanted to. They made that move because they thought it was best, or perhaps they should have done something early but they were too scared or perhaps didn’t think it was important.

We can’t always alter others lives, we can give opinions when asked, we can offer guidance and practical solutions but this isn’t a Disney movie where epiphanies occur at just the right moment followed by a musical encore (disappointing I realise). Instead, listen carefully this week to those that do listen to you, that do make time for you – they think you’re important and don’t be offended by those that don’t. Instead, ensure you listen to yourself. You are the most influential person in your life.

I love the privacy of rain

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote by Helen Dunmore

Have you ever read six words and felt like you’ve read a poem? I adore the simplicity and arrangement of this quote, each time I read it my mind goes on a little detour into my imagination and each time it’s different.

For that reason I don’t plan on writing too much in this post. I’d rather you too evoke your own story; two of my favourites included a girl in the rain dealing lost in sadness with the walls of rain isolating her from the buzzing city around her, where perhaps the sunshine’s? My second is a enjoyable cosy image of watching the rain fall outside whilst sat snuggly inside (with a cup of tea obviously) enjoying the tranquility and rhythm of the rain falling…add a blazing fire for a picturesque scene.

What I would like to share is my love of words, more specifically quotes and how they resonate with us. Aren’t we blessed to live in a world with so many diverse languages, translations and meanings. How wonderful is it that these six words may take you on a completely different journey to my versions.

Feel free to share your versions below or next time you’re at a loss on a long journey and perhaps it’s even raining, let your mind wonder on this little gem of a quote.

She’s still a Princess

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment


My own quote, although I’m sure Disney have probably said something similar?

Today I am writing from the heart and as part of a series with a group of bloggers to hopefully highlight some key issues surrounding mental health awareness, if you’d like to follow the series then the chick who came up with this wonderful idea was Admissions of a working mother, hitting this link will allow you see the entire collaboration. I personally jumped at the chance and am proud to be collaborating on such a ‘fog’ aspect of society. I do not claim to be an expert – I am merely sharing my experiences of the girls that I have had the delight to work with (I’m a Nurture Teacher in an all girls secondary school) on their journey through the ‘fog’ of mental health and in particular self harm.

I used the term ‘fog’ as there are no rights or wrongs, no person self harms for the same reason another might nor do they harm in the same manner, some make cuts that vary in size and depth, usually in hidden locations, hence that the statistics that surround self harm are just as vague – it’s thought that 13% of 11-16 year old’s will self harm at some point, more worryingly is how many teenagers never tell a soul, seek help or confide, they are the missing statistics. Self harm can also be an eating disorder, self bruising, cutting / marking, abuse of alcohol / drugs.

When girls at school disclose information and I call home parents frequently asked questions surrounding ‘why?’ Again the fog does not lift, some are due to recent tragedies – as a form of coping, of releasing, others due to past traumas in the child’s early life…and some just because. At the point of harming most girls that I have spoken to don’t even know the reasons themselves. Teenage boys statistics are also increasing , I don’t personally feel that this is a bad thing. The figures come from teenagers seeking help, the girls and guys who are able to walk into their GP surgery or the doors of A and E, this means society is listening and let me tell you – listening is good.

I always feel privileged when a girl confides in me, and one thing that we often discuss is the dark room. For many (not all) suffering from anxiety or depression, the world sometimes feels like a dark enclosed  room and it’s safe but also scary in the dark, but mostly it’s lonely. However, to reach for the light switch feels like a million miles away and utterly unachieveable. To switch the light on is a loss of the known (the dark) and a loss of control (seeking help may lead to others making decisions for you), for those in a state of self loathing the thought of disappointing loved ones is heart breaking and so they stay in the safety of the dark. It is this reason that teenagers often disclose in schools – pupils know that we have to tell their parents / carers due to child protection guidelines, this takes some of the initial weight off of themselves.

So, what can little old me and wise old you do?

Listen. Once you’ve finished listening, listen some more. I don’t mean the nod and sad face kind, I mean the active listening, taking it in and showing the person that the light switch can be reached with time, at their pace and with your support. Ironically, it has always been my experience that the ‘harming’ is irrelevant compared to the emotion behind it, opening the door to discussion allows for emotions to be re-balanced and at the point of turning on the light switch, the dark (self harming) stops.

Todays quote -‘you’re still a princess’comes from my love of Disney (regular readers of my blog will know that I’m slightly pumped by the positivity, magical nature and frankly the sparkle that Disney can give). So the other thing apart from listening is to remind them that you still care, they are still loved…if the Little Mermaid self harmed – she would still be a princess, if Arna from Frozen let it go’… She would still be a princess.

My advice and experience (for whats its worth) is simple…Listen and love.

If you would like more information, fact, figures and advice I have 2 ‘go to’ amazing websites, these are Self harm a UK project dedicated to supporting young people impacted by self harm and Mind which is the UKs leading charity for mental health.