kindness matters

In the end we all become stories

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

Without doubt my least favourite thing is people. As a race, we are greedy, thoughtless and selfish towards our planet and those that we live amongst. However, my favourite thing to collect are peoples stories. I realised that my brain is like a library full of events and scenarios that people have shared and I have interpreted. If my brain was a library then my favourite section would be the kindness aisle; stories that contain acts of kindness or random moments of joy, thoughtful exchanges, feeling deeply and unexpected.

Interpretation is personal, I’ve taught the same lesson to thirty teens and know they’ve each walked out of the lesson taking with them a variation on the learning objective. You could tell me a story but how I interpret it and the themes or feelings I feel are all categorised in my personal library. Many times have I read a book and remember moments hidden amongst the main theme that had a huge impact on me, when I attend my book club we always discuss a range of concepts and topics, some of which I didn’t think about when reading the book? I guess that’s the joy in sharing.

Eulogies at funerals always seem unfair and bias to the person who has pulled them together. I recently attended a funeral of a person I worked with, but the eulogy was framed (of course it was) around her being a loving and dedicated mother…that wasn’t the version of her that I knew, the story I told myself of who she was at work. As the eulogy was read I found it baffling and doubted I had known her. However, then I realised how wonderful that my version of her was mine alone.

Perhaps you read this blog because I ask you too (thanks Mum), because you know me beyond the screen, because you like my writing style, topics, rants and thoughts…I hope it’s because I make you feel good. I hope it’s because you feel a little better when you click off the page. I hope the pages of my blog can sometime be found in the kindness aisle of your internal library.

In the end we all become stories, take time to reflect on the stories that make you feel good, wander the aisles of your library and relish the memories you have made that feel a little magical. Should you ever step into the horror section, know it’s a brief aisle, an aisle you can leave and perhaps take a moment to think about where you might sit in other peoples libraries, perhaps you sit in the kindness section of a complete stranger due to an act that had a profound effect on them but is unmemorable to you.

The ending won’t end you

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K.Tolnoe

On 17th September 2023 I began a painting challenge. It involved one hundred Pantone cards and the idea was to paint one a week. I introduced myself to using Gouche paint and the reason I began was not only to have a creative outlet but to develop a skill.

A couple of weeks ago I painted card number fifty six. However, I haven’t been enjoying the process for some time and have missed weeks or painted things that didn’t interest me. I am extremely good at seeing things through, even if they are a little dull or tough but I realised that this challenge was no longer serving me and had in fact become an unnecessary burden.

Ladies and gentlemen we don’t do burdens at fridge central. Life is too short. So we did the sensible thing and put out paintbrushes back in their pockets (clean obviously). Does it bother me that I didn’t finish at least on a round number, preferable a ten – yes! But sitting and painting four paintings I don’t wish to do is not something I am going to spend energy on.

Luckily, I am generally good at seeing things through, so I’m not abandoning a challenge half way through and recognising a pattern that concerns me, nor will I concern my inner critic over the abandonment – why? Honestly, we killed her off a long time ago, I try to do things that keep me creative, learning and sparking joy but not at the cost of feeling bored.

I do enjoy painting the little squares I did manage to complete and I also plan to return to the challenge at a later point. However, I know myself well enough to realise it was no longer serving me. Sure in adult land that are many things we have to do, but when it comes to some aspects they are options, for example if you don’t enjoy the gym, venture outside for a run, try taking a class or perhaps find your own challenge to reignite your exercise habits.

I also found other benefits to this creative process such as, seeing improvements in my skill, learning to laugh at the process when things went wrong (embarrassingly wrong) and carving some time for myself away from the demands of work and family life to do something for me. I definitely prefer painting in winter, snuggled in front of the fire. So perhaps in a few months I shall find those paint brushes and start phase two of ‘100 Pantone challenge’ until then you’ll find me outside exploring this wonderful world and soaking up the sun.

Kindness heals

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Recently I have been the recipient of kindness and I wanted to pass it on. This blog comes with an affiliated link but if that’s not your thing, then just don’t press the link. That said, as always at fridgesays this blog is worth the read for a hopefully warm glow.

In November, I had a period that was so intense it made me vomit. If I can move around I’m usually fine, but mother nature struck when I found myself in a three hour board meeting, wearing a pencil skirt in a room with little ventilation, to say it was less than ideal was an understatement but once I was out of the meeting and able to move I soon felt better. My friend in the meeting, Kelly commented that she saw me go pale before I exited for the ladies facilities. Like a pro I returned but we joked on the way home that there was no way I could have hidden a hot water bottle under my skirt, that is not a pro move, so suffer it was.

A couple of days later in the office Kelly said she had a gift for me:

https://amzn.to/3ESlyf4 (link if you’d like to know more) . It was this box of three heated pain relief pads, that claim to be discreet and last for 12 hours….

Let’s take a pause to thank the gorgeous Kelly for seeing these and thinking of me, that to me is true kindness. Having a tribe of wonderful people around me is the greatest gift a person could ask for.

During my menstruation cycle in January I gave them a whirl and I was blown away! A simple peel of the wrapper and it stuck in place all day and most of the evening. The product provides a gentle heat (not intense as a hot water bottle) and the warmth kept coming. I honestly didn’t believe it would last 12 hours. The pad I used was still producing warmth 16 hours later… who knew iron and carbon could heal pain and how does warmth actually heal? In essence, heat causes the blood vessels in that area to dilate, enhancing perfusion to the targeted tissue. For under £2 for three pads that’s a lot of healing for little expense.

I will certainly be purchasing more, to be able to stick one in place and get on with my day whilst receiving a warm hug where needed is an absolute game changer as a full time working parent. I also plan to buy a few as gifts, one for a friend who really suffers with her menstruation and another who has a daughter about to start her periods. These would have been so handy when I was at school, trying to focus on the lesson content but equally feeling like my uterus was doing the can-can. Kindness matters and whilst I’m grateful to Kelly for her kind act, I’m also an advocate for passing kindness on to others.

Like I said, if you have a sad uterus in your life, click the link and give these a whirl.

Be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote by Karen Salmansonn

This week I wanted to share a story that warmed my heart and it came from one of my favourite places…my local library.

Often on a Saturday morning we visit our local library, a place that brings me immense joy. The library has so many lovely memories from my childhood but also was a wonderful bridge into adulthood when the world felt a little uncertain – the library remained calm and consistent. However, my library joy truly burst its seams when my child was born and I was able to indulge in all the wonderful adventures through my child’s eyes, it’s a sacred space.

Yesterday we took our bag of books back to be returned and juggled the machines with new finds and I was even blessed to find slips with my name on the side in the ‘reserved’ section on the library! For those that don’t know this wonder – this is a shelf much like Christmas where you can reserve a book that perhaps you can’t find on the shelf or the librarian will have it ready for you to collect. They pop a receipt in the top with your name on and send you an email to confirm when it’s ready to collect.

Within the juggle of my own books and my child’s, I had forgotten to extend the loan of one of the books I was half way through reading but left without realising, due to the excitement of all the new ‘book bounty’ we had received.

Last night, I was checking emails and doing life admin when an email from my librarian caught my eye…

Hello, I have found a postcard in a book which you were the last borrower of at ***** Library. The book is ****** by ****** and the postcard found is pink with a rhino on it. I’ve just popped it by the desk. 

 How lovely is that! I should note I took out the name of the book and the author as I wasn’t overwhelmed by the book and wouldn’t necessarily want to indorse it BUT how lovely is that! The postcard is cute but not sentimental, it’s a picture of a rhino with the quote ‘real unicorns have curves’ which made me laugh, however the act of finding this and then looking up who last had it and then emailing me…in a world where often people can’t find the time to say hello in the street I find AMAZINGLY KIND. To that degree, I plan to go to the library and collect my bookmark and perhaps take a little treat to return the gesture.

Kindness is my greatest gift, I enjoy being both the receiver and the giver and it often costs very little materially. Kindness is contagious and you can receive joy through hearing about other people’s experiences of kind acts, to that degree I hope my post this week made you smile and you are sick with kindness, if so…pass it on!

Beauty starts in your head not in the mirror

~ Fridgesays ~ 1 Comment

Quote from Regina Daniels

Growing up around many different kind of women and then blossoming into one myself, I’ve learnt many things about beauty.

Firstly, I noticed that the women in my life that didn’t love their body shapes didn’t look in mirrors. At least, not large full length creations. Instead small and practical mirrors were used ‘when necessary’ and for practical purposes.

Another woman taught me that beauty was something to aim for, but because it was aspirational but that if you had time to worry about appearances, blemishes and colour combinations then you probably didn’t have many worries in your life.

If I combine these two thoughts alone, then I think that this quote might be slightly off track. I believe that beauty doesn’t start in the mirror and nor does it start in the head. In my heart is where I store my compassion, love and respect. These are needed as a foundation when glaring at self. What you see isn’t always how you perceive your reflection to be and it may tell as different story to the one in your head. Scars can tell magnificent stories of triumph and bravery but they can also bring sadness, despair and shame. Of course to alter the story and be comfortable in your reflection you need to rewire your brain to reframe the memory and this can take time.

Beauty isn’t usually as superficial as the world might let us believe, we often find beauty in unique traits, the small details and the imperfections of others. We often struggle internally to give ourself the same compassion.

When I was 13 years old I was at a party and a boy told me that I couldn’t dance as well as my friend. Instantly I felt scorned, judged and ugly, my instant reaction was to hide. However, I come from a loving home and was raised on a pedestal. I have always psycho analysed behaviour traits in myself and others since forever. I allowed the boy to ruin the party for me, I did stop dancing and I went home early. At home I thought about the minute details of the dancing I had done and what I need to do to improve, then it occurred to me…who the fuck does he think he is? How dare a boy who I barely knew feel he could judge me? By this time, I was fuming and angry that I’d allowed someone I had never invested in, ruin my evening. I don’t believe in holding on to negative energy, I never have and so at school on Monday I approached the boy in my English class (he sat directly in front of me) at the end of the lesson and I asked him if he had enjoyed the party and importantly if he was ok? Confused, he stated that the party was ‘ok’ and that he was fine. I reminded him of the comment he had made to me and that I thought it was odd he had commented, as we weren’t friends and I didn’t realise he was a dance teacher, I ended the rant (to which the boy just stared at me) by thanking him for having my best intentions but that as I was already attending dance classes I wouldn’t require his input in future.

My appearance is nobody else’s concern (unless I’ve once again forgot to put a coat on, then even middle aged I may still need my Mum to remind me), how I dance is nobody else’s concern, I can decide to absorb other peoples views of me, or simply thank them for their time and move on. When I look in the mirror I can choose to view myself with love or criticism. What do you choose?

Plant hope and watch it grow

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment
Anon

For those that are regular readers (thank you) you’ll know I am not a massive fan of humanity. Dogs, they’re awesome. Humans, are far from wonderful. I include myself in that, I’m aware the choices I make aren’t always in the interest of the planet, the words I use are not always the kindest…humanity is a gigantic working progress and as a species, our end of year report would say ‘working under expected levels, needs to improve’

Sometimes we can be hurt by others, whether the harm was intentional or not. It can leave us reflecting on why humans are vile, often we don’t deserve the reaction or behaviour put upon us. However, while negative behaviour is never okay, it often has a logic when you take a step back. *taking a step back is difficult.

Often those that need the most love, are the hardest to love. When I’m working with a traumatised five year old, who is hitting, biting and scratching the INA (individual needs assistant), stepping back you can see the child is in crisis and it doing these things because they don’t know how to communicate safely how they feel yet. When I speak to the INA, they often (in the moment of getting hurt themselves) can’t understand why the child hit them. Questions like ‘he was fine this morning when he came in, I don’t know why he kicked me? I’ve the one that got the Lego out like he wanted’ …sometimes it’s not about the INA (who side note, need paying better and in many cases given knighthoods) it’s about the internal world for that little person.

I don’t personally believe in God, but I do believe in energy and many of the universal laws. For ease of sharing, I’m going to use the word God and prayers in this next section to convey my thoughts, feel free to edit the word God for whatever works for you.

If we imagine that each human on the planet is a vessel. Some more full than others, perhaps when one vessel is in need and asks God for help, God takes from another vessel to answer that prayer. Perhaps if you’re a human who has given something in a relationship and got little back, God was sharing your love and compassion to answer the prayer of someone who has little love in them. As they have such little love they can’t give it back in exchange as you can. Maybe, God uses each of us to answer the prayers of others and at the time, although we are ‘helping’ because we don’t realise it’s an act of God we feel hurt when the relationship doesn’t feel equal.

Again, this doesn’t mean it hurts any less when others ‘abuse’ your good will, but somehow knowing that in that moment they need it, knowing that in that moment I couldn’t give that to them – it’s like planting hope. We all exchange energy all of the time, inhaling and exhaling. We all have the choice to evoke boundaries, or perhaps in this case ‘lids’ when we don’t wish to share our the contents of our vessel any further. I love the idea that we can use our lids to let God know when our own vessels are no longer available to others.

This week, love those who need it a little more, try not to take their reactions personally (after all their reaction belongs to them) and perhaps in the next few months humanity’s report card might return with ‘better than expected’. Also, if in doubt put a lid on it and protect your contents.

Kindness is my go to but fuck off is my wingman

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Quote Anon

In all honesty, gratitude is my go to and kindness is second in line. The wonderful thing about kindness is it often doesn’t financially cost anything, it usually requires a pinch of thought and a dusting of time…but the results often stay with the person you’re kind to forever.

People remember the kind things you did for them, how you made them feel, long after you did them, they often pay them back ten fold and your karma points to joy increase! So why aren’t more humans kind? As I’m not generally a fan of humanity, I think we need to look to dogs to solve this answer. Our dog will snuggle, guard you and clean up your crumbs whenever you’re in need however she is also easily distracted and I think this is the same as humans. We often don’t think to open doors, make gestures of kindness, or even take time to make magical moments happen because we are caught up with our own struggles, time limitations and world.

The quote also refers to boundaries, to saying no and stepping back – for me this is the best side to serve with a heap of kindness. Clear boundaries will allow you to walk away, to not be walked over and to sustain your kindness for another day. People that are kind but lack the words ‘no’ in their vocabulary often feel the burdens of others and an empathetic overload that makes them ill.

January weather in the UK is bleak, grey and often wet…SO I’m launching #kindnessmatters as a hashtag on my instagram stories through the month of January. You can follow along @fridgesays or if you aren’t a social media dweller you can create your own ‘kindness matters’ without…who cares how we show up as long as we do. What do you need to do? BE KIND

Yup that’s is, nothing more and nothing less. Take time each day to do something kind and remember it doesn’t have to cost the earth or be time consuming. This morning as we went out to the car we all ran to one of our neighbours bins that had blown over after collections and wheeled them back to their owners back gates. kindness matters. They don’t necessarily know that we did it but that’s not the essence of kindness, the centre for kindness is in the doing, so let’s make January a little less bleak by showing compassion to others…also don’t forget you can’t pour kindness from an empty cup, so being kind to yourself totally counts.

Be kind. Even on your bad days

~ Fridgesays ~ 2 Comments

Quote Anon

Today’s post isn’t long and its message is simple. We all have battles that we face, both internal personal battles and external battles that we may find ourselves in through no fault of our own…so do other people.

It’s easy to be consumed by the now and even the toxicity of the past, it’s much harder to smile on days when you don’t feel like smiling and even harder to push that smile into the world towards strangers.

However, in my experience it’s the light in the darkest of moments, the kindness that comes from people that don’t need to care that is truly special.

As the Christmas season approaches and we all become consumed by…well, consumerism, perhaps in this crazy world of 2020 that we all find ourselves in, the best gift we can give ourselves and those around us is a little extra kindness. It often doesn’t cost a lot and it doesn’t always get noticed but I truly believe the future of the world depends on it (that totally sounded like a marvel film intro)

As the last few weeks of 2020 past and we step into 2021 with a little more hope and a dollop of joy, please add a gallon of kindness to those who need it. You can never be sure who needs it, so aim for everyone. Let the car out of the side road if it’s safe to do so, let the man in a rush pass you by and don’t judge him – you don’t know why he is rushing. Kindness is checking on friends with a quick phone call and knocking on vulnerable neighbours doors to check if they need anything. Open doors and smile.

Smile when people give you eye contact, increase your manners (it’s something adults generally suck at), tell people you love them and give compliments like you’re PollyAnna. Over the years I’ve written a lot about this topic, gratitude and kindness truly matter and usually I write to remind myself.

So if nobody has told you today, your hair looks fab, I love that jumper and I’d like to thank you for dropping by, it’s means the world.

Be kind. It’s gangsta

~ Fridgesays ~ 1 Comment

Quote Anon

#kindness matters is my favourite hashtag. Simply because it does matter, many people think it’s overlooked and unappreciated but in my experience often people have remembered the smallest of actions years later.

I asked my seven year old son what stories he knew that were about kindness, he told me one about a prince and a goose and then about a king and a mango…well actually a lot of mangoes, the more he retold the story the more mangoes seemed to appear. To the point where he wasn’t sure why the story was about kindness? He walked away and I thought the conversation had ended, he then sat back down on the sofa next to me and said that kindness in real life was like whispers. ‘You can’t always see them, sometimes you can feel them – they feel like a tickle, but mostly they’re invisible’

He of course is right. True kindness that makes an impact isn’t about large gesture (or using his metaphor tsunami winds) but usually unthought moments of love. Holding a door; staying to help pack the chairs away, making a cup of tea, buying a gift because you’re reminded of that person rather than for an occasion, taking time to say hello, sharing crisps (something I’m not great at), the list is endless.

Who’s the kindest person you know? My advice, be more like them.

It’s often free and makes a huge impact on one individual, if the world was kinder we wouldn’t have so many people who are lonely, mental health figures would reduce and there would be less judgement…sign me up for that kind of world, it’ll take a few small actions from everybody…are you in?

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect

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Anon

I’ve often wondered how an egg shell can be fragile and crack with ease and at other times be solid enough to bring a baby bird safely into the world, apparently it’s all do with its thickness and shape. Designed to move around in the nest and not get squashed…Mother Nature is an awesome and a mighty force.

As humans we too have shells, you can’t see them but they are present. Some are wrapped to protect people because they’ve experienced harm, they build solid walls around them and it can be hard to communicate with them, let alone create a meaningful relationship. Other are fragile, their shells break with ease and you can see the cracks in their smiles, in the way they walk, perhaps a lack of eye contact or through muffled conversation.

As April approaches I’d invite you to become more dynamic in your shell. In fact, I’d encourage you to have a walk in wardrobe of shells. Much like a hermit crab, we need different level of shells (boundaries) for different situations. Sometimes we need to opt for a thick wall to shield us from the world, solitude has its place, but at times we need to invite others in to share our shells, a large open space where we can mix with ease and light. Of course, we get to choose our shell and the level of shell needed for the interactions. On a day to day basis I would select a kinder egg shell. A thin layer of foil would keep the elements at bay, for those dearer to me (who I let in) we could share my chocolate layer and I’d save the joy (the toy) for myself.

Sometimes we all, much like the hermit crab need to be brave – we need to leave our shells to grow. Bare and exposed we would step out of our comfort zones and this is where we would need to be kind and compassionate. If you see someone leaving their comfort shell, increase respect for them. If you see a kinder egg on the shelf, handle it with care and if it does become damaged, much like each other continue to love it despite its broken parts, after all we all have joy inside of us waiting to be recognised.