happiness

Does the process know we are trusting it?

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

It will get better. It will come good in the end. You’ll be ok….ummm, will I?

Trusting the process is super easy with two elements; the passage of time and hindsight. Prior to completing the task or process you are only human if you feel lost and doubtful.

It’s Saturday afternoon and it’s raining, the bleak light and the grey skies are doing everything they can to pull me into a dark mood. Last week I wrote an upbeat post titled ‘Why not me?’ this week I’m sat in a negative thought pattern of despair and ‘why me?’ (Add violin music and a night background of rain, lightly trickling down a window paine). I’m not very good at being negative and I particularly suck when there really isn’t a reason to feel down…it would be easy to make a list of all the things I’m grateful for but at this moment in time that feels far to contrived and a life time away from where I am and how I feel.

What can I do? Well, in this moment I check in on myself with a dash of ‘ Maslows hierarchy of need’ . Educators will be down with Mas’s theory and it’s certainly worth a google but in essence to be our most transcendent and actualised self, to truly thrive we need all of the elements at the bottom of the pyramid as our foundation. At the bottom is ‘physiology’ and this means our basic needs; sleep, food and shelter, the next level is safety and this can often be missing in our day to day lives meaning we can’t focus on bigger objectives. Staying at the bottom of the pyramid a little longer I’m noting that I’ve slept well, I’m home safe and I have just eaten – however, don’t underestimate how poor your mental health can dip if one of these basic human rights is missing. Often after a busy day I’ll slouch on the sofa and realise I haven’t eaten or drunk anything since the day before.

Like a spoilt princess my Maslow pyramid is looking sturdy, so what am I going to do? Next is movement – have I left the house, moved my body and allow prosocial chemicals to mix into my blood steam. Thanks to a demanding four legged house mate, I have been out in nature today. I walked the dog for about forty five minutes and we even went to a forest where the autumn canopy was showing off her best colour display.

Lastly, it’s OK. Today I feel down, I don’t have a reason why, I don’t need to do anything about it either. I’m just going to treat myself like a sad best friend. I’m going to make a warm drink and take the afternoon slowly and with ease. I’m not going to socialise – nobody needs my company in this moment and I don’t have the need to be around humans. I might light some candles, I will ignore house chores and I may read a book or watch a film. In this moment I don’t trust the process that everything will work out well, this afternoon will not go down in Lucy history as the best I’ve ever lived. I will avoid social media because I don’t need to see friends living their best life and that’s a kindness boundary that I need to put in place for myself today.

I’m not sure if the process knows we are trusting it and im not sure I want to today? Perhaps tomorrow we will give the process a hug and apologise for being a doubting diva, perhaps we will visualise and manifest, but don’t think you always have to be on track and making progress. Humans are complex beings and existing in 2024 can be hazardous to our wellbeing and mental load…be kind to yourself and check in regularly with what you need. Today I need nothing and that’s ok too.

Why not me?

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

A question rather than a quote.

Some people think they were born lucky, others not so much. Some people don’t believe luck is a thing, that the balance of good and bad comes to us all.

I choose to see good and I choose to believe in luck. I’m not bothered about being proved wrong or right, I know that perceiving that I’m lucky, that I’m likely to win is more enjoyable in the ‘now’.

Early this week I heard an advert for a competition on the radio, the winner was to be announced on Friday evening. I gave some thought to what I would do if I won and myself and my imagination had a lovely time over a cup of tea making hypothetical plans. Adult life can often be dull, I also choose to lighten life with games. I made the decision that if I saw a Robin before Thursday I would purchase a ticket. I’ve no idea why a Robin but then again, why not? On Wednesday I saw a Robin and it made me laugh. True to word, I went home and purchased a ticket. Friday evening came and I carved out time to listen to the radio station to hear ‘me win’ – I went for a walk and listened live, awaiting my phone call. It was excited and as the announcement of the winner got nearer I thought about what I’d say, how I’d accept my prize and how this win would alter plans for the upcoming weekend, after all it would be a weekend sprinkled with celebration! I’d probably call my parents and let them know first. My heart was beginning to race as the radio played out the dialling tone. I looked at my phone…

The announcement came and some b*tch called Janet won. On this occasion Janet slipped in, in the last moment and stole my prize…and then I laughed in spite of myself and realised that the ticket had bought me more joy than the financial cost of the ticket. Instantly I was happy for Janet and knew that my time wasn’t this week. I’d enjoyed imagining the win. I could comfortable afford to lose and in some ways I had won. My dull routined week had a dashing of joy and mystery, the unknown made life feel a little fired up and for that I consider myself lucky.

Why not me? They had to call someone. It made me reflect on all of the ‘wins’ I’ve had in life, from esoteric health and safety to church raffles and poetry competitions as a child. In that moment I felt blessed.

Cinderella apparent lived happily ever after with her man, why not me? Janet won the competition, at another time in the future, why not me? There might be a promotion at work, if I go for it, someone has to get the job – why not me?

This isn’t a post about gambling, if it was it’s a great post to remind you that the odds don’t often fall in your favour. It’s about seeking joy and having your own back – why not you? In the lead up to Christmas, hold back some magic for yourself. Make up games that make you chuckle as you see glimmers of serendipitous moments appear in your world. Enjoy the mundane and never forget your imagination is as fabulous as you dare to dream.

For those that may find the gambling aspect of this blog resonates https://www.gambleaware.org/ is where you can find free advice and guidance. GambleAware is a charity registered in England and Wales (1093910) and in Scotland (SC049433) and incorporated in England as a company (04384279), limited by Guarantee, and registered with the Charity Commission for England and Wales & the Scottish Charity Regulator (OSCR).

Each morning peace knocks at your door in the form of choice

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote taken from a meme and adapted

When I first saw this meme it made me pause from the whirling, hectic pace of life. Not many things do that, as I thought about it more – that we can make choices and that whilst many things are done to us, we do get to decide how we react to them, I found great power in this concept.

I use the word ‘concept’ as we are often programmed to react and whilst we have a choice our subconscious kicks in and we react to old patterns of behaviour like familiar winter coats, even though the coat doesn’t fit any longer or serve us in the moment – we keep wearing it.

One of the ways I have chosen to ‘choose peace’ is by taking a couple of minutes in bed in the morning before getting out. To not fall into the day and let it absorb me but to take a moment to step back (or in my case, snuggle down) and consciously step into my day, deciding how I’m going to feel. I will always choose peace.

If you can find moments to step back, moments to not speak and to let silence do the work for you, peace can follow. That said, leaving your subconscious reactions behind takes the work of a Jedi and I’m certainly no expert. Pausing takes practise and perhaps that’s part of the game of life.

There are however a handful of quick wins that you can use if you need a little more peace…

  • Book some time in your week, it could be a bubble bath, but it doesn’t need to be that complex…take half an hour and just sit
  • Review your tribe. Spend time with people that fill your cup with joy. If that isn’t possible, then make sure you minimise interactions or go into scenarios with toxic people being kind to yourself
  • Catch yourself: currently I’m playing this game where I step out of myself to listen to the ridiculous argument myself and my family are having. If I can reduce an argument about putting socks in the laundry basket by five minutes, we all win
  • Seek peace; make time to walk in nature, get outside, hug a tree, walk – whatever makes you feel centred and solid

The last tip is to live this quote on a daily cycle…keep choosing peace until it becomes your subconscious setting. I’m not sure how long this takes, but I have a feeling that just stepping nearer to a peaceful life is a worthy endeavour.

The right people hear you differently

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

Recently I was in a yoga class and at the start my teacher was explaining how she was enjoying Instagram, that much like a garden she had cultivated AI to make her feed wholesome and positive. It made me reflect on my own social media and I agreed that I didn’t often see any negative comments online any longer and that my feed was full of my personal enjoyments – things like baking or yoga, positive quotes, book recommendations etc that fill my cup up.

Online I don’t follow thousands of people but there are about ten to fifteen people that I regularly see and enjoy there content. I even have a handful of people that I’ve followed for so long, they feel like friends. We share content and tag each other and I’m pretty sure if they lived local I would enjoy there company. One of them is called Hannah, she’s a mother to about a thousand children (well, more than two) and a million chickens (this I might not be exaggerating), she has enjoyments and similar nature based loves that resonate with me. Randomly, I also follow her husband? A similarly hairy dude to my other half. Anyway, this week Hannah posted a bread roll bake that she had made…they looked incredible. She then kindly and without me asking, sent me a link to the recipe.

I gave the rolls a go and oh my! The joy level was amazing. They came out super fluffy and light.

I baked them on Friday evening at stupid o’clock (gone are the days of clubbing and drinking) I was sipping green tea and watching piles of dough expand. Saturday morning we devoured three with bacon. Yesterday evening three more were consumed as I made homemade chicken burgers in breadcrumbs with mozzarella, lettuce, mayo. Two are requested for tomorrow’s packed lunches.

The process of making them was satisfying and I’ll be making them again, but joy was also found in private messaging Hannah with the process and celebrating my success…seriously baking break always makes me feel proud and if it doesn’t go well, I enjoy unpicking and perfecting the process.

Social media often gets a bad press and for many valid reasons, but in the spirit of keeping things positive I hope this post reminds you that you can cultivate a mini online world of things you enjoy. You also, might be blessed to make connections with people that geographically you could never call friends and would never have the joy of meeting but they still enhance your world. So let’s raise our cups of tea, to all the lovely humans that the internet helps us to connect us with. Hannah is @bloomsandhens and she recently got a puppy! My online bestie is Lincoln’s goddess to a sunset photo @sammanfa1 and @backtobrickbungalow who is building a amazing home for her daughter Rosie called ‘Muriel’s place’ and I love it for her real content and DIY drama…no posh aesthetic here, just a woman crushed by life (frigging men) and the dream of a place to call home. I’ve also realised that these three women are all living up north? So if like me you’re as southern in the UK as possible and need a splash of northern joy to your life – give them a follow.

Head up twinkle

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote from Fridgesays

Sometimes I don’t feel like writing. It could be because the week has been busy, I’m tired or I’m just lacking a clear vision of what to write about.

It’s in these moments, I have learnt that success is a step away. As a result, I usually make myself write something or I take a half written post and complete it. Why? The world won’t stop turning if I don’t write each week but my mental health won’t be as sparkly, my satisfaction level won’t be as joyful and honestly, it’s often the posts I don’t feel like writing but do anyway, that attract the most readers.

The attitude of resilience and keeping going when things feel hard, the art of consistency is a dying one in 2024. Giving up is easy when other options are abundant but pursuing the unattainable is hard, but as previously mentioned often when success lays.

I shared this with a friend recently and she said it was the same for her when she went for a run, the wet and soggy, cold and muddy days where staying in bed for an extra quarter of an hour and not going to run are often her best runs. Not only the satisfaction of doing something hard that will enhance oxytocin into our bloodstream but also create new learnt pathways to our resilient threshold will allow us to learn from previous ‘I can’t be bothered’ situations and lean in to the experience rather than hide under the duvet.

That said, it’s also important to distinguish within ourselves the difference between not doing something because we don’t fancy it and not doing it for a valid reason – such as our health or wellbeing. There have been times where I’ve needed to rest due to exhaustion or being run down with a virus, to make myself write or my friend to go for a run in poor health would only lead to further illness and negative outcomes. Whilst most readers make think this is obvious, in a toxic positive culture it’s important to remind ourselves that our boundaries are crucial to keeping us safe and ‘out working’ the person next to you often leads to depression and feeling inadequate than living our best lives.

And just like that, I’ve written a post about not wanting to write. I hope that this week a task that may feel heavy becomes lighter because of this post. What I can guarantee is that you’ll see the benefits of continuing and improving, that you’ll strengthen your neuron pathways for future growth.

A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

I was just doing an evening session of yoga and I had a revelation.

In primary school there was a yellow line prohibiting you from touching anything fun…things like brick corners, areas where cars might be, a crazy paving concrete slope ( it was the late eighties) and it taught me something that literally until ten minutes a go I had never thought about. It taught me that boundaries were to be broken. I should probably tell you that I was a good girl but that at least once a week I’d slide my Mary Jane patent shoes across the line in act of rebellion…obviously never getting caught and in retrospect of my good girl nature we are talking millimetres not empowering jumps of anarchy. It never occurred to me that boundaries and the yellow line of forbidden treading was to actually keep me safe?

My competitive bones have never really developed but as I rolled into my twenties I did develop an inner competitiveness within myself. ‘No’ is a word I choose not to have in my vocabulary, again recognising it as an unhelpful verbal yellow line of doom. The only child in me often plays games in my head where I beat other people, complete tasks in set time frames and obviously secretly plot to over throw anyone that should ever imply I can’t do something…again I’d never thought that these words were to keep me safe?

…I’m now wondering how I’ve actually made it this far without serious injury?

With this new knowledge in mind, I invite you to think about your adult perception of boundaries, are they purely a hurdle to jump, a task to complete or unlike me something to run from? I then invite you to find balance within the word boundary…it’s already got a few of the letters so you’re half way there. Do you need a revelation like I just had and need to step closer to the concept of safety or perhaps you are bubble wrapped in the playground lines of your childhood and need to be freed from them. Either way, like most aspects in life boundaries need to be established for your own wellbeing – tell those you’re in a relationship with what you will and won’t stand for, remind your manager (in appropriate tone) what you are paid and not paid to do…and also relax within those safety perimeters…seriously who would of thought a playground rule could have such a lasting effect on the mind?

I decide my vibe

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

Today I am sat on the sofa and I’m doing less than nothing. The dog is snuggled up on me and it would be disrespectful to move and disrupt her. I’m not watching TV, I’m not reading and I’m sitting in silence. Today ‘not a lot’ is my vibe.

It would be natural of me to compensate now by telling you about my hectic morning or my plans for tomorrow or even how exhausting yesterday was… but that would defeat today’s post.

Everyday we get to decide our vibe and to a large extent who we surround ourselves by. We get to be choose what we wear (give or take a work uniform) and how much energy we put into things.

Last week my son came off the Rugby pitch frustrated by how he had played, when he went on today I reminded him that the past version of him was disappointed and that the present him would decide how future him would feel. He came off at the end of the game (the team won) and said past him would be pleased. He couldn’t control the other players, the weather (it rained), but he could set the vibe for himself.

I treat my wardrobe as a costume box and dopamine dress for how I need or want to feel. Sometimes that includes bright prints and textured fabrics and sometimes it’s a black one piece that allows me to disappear. I set the vibe and use clothes to help me, currently opting for comfy clothes to do very little in.

We don’t realise it but we set the vibe, not just by clothes or attitudes but also with the foods we digest and the people we allow ourselves to be close to, in fact I believe that every choice we make takes or gives to the person we are, thus our worlds could ever be changing, or we continue to pick the same things to wear, eat and do and life is stagnant. The great thing is none of us are one dimensional beings, we can change and our vibes can alter. Later today I may be productive, later I may move from the sofa and create a list to help me start the week focused and tuned in to achieving my best…for now, I’m staying here. The vibe is quiet, still and needed. Without reflection life can run away with us and somehow in a busy world there is something seriously luxurious about doing nothing.

You are accountable for your decisions, choices and actions…or in my case, lack of action…set the vibe and enjoy what it has to offer, if it doesn’t please you then change the vibe.

Don’t let anyone dull your light

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote Anon

Often when writing I know the theme and then find a quote, or I find a quote and the writing follows. Tonight, the process has been reversed as I’d like to share a lesson that just happened. I then thought that this quote would work well and assumed that I’d used it before, it doesn’t seem to have been? Although I know there are variants of it such as ‘don’t let anyone dim your sparkle’ so forgive me if it seems repetitive.

The lesson: September has burst through the year with a buddy at hand called Autumn, usually when the children return back to school the temperature in the UK increases and we are treated to an Indian summer, this year September has brought rain, thunder storms and whilst the sun shone today, the cold followed, it was around eleven Celsius and whilst not coat wearing worthy the sudden ten Celsius drop can be felt with an autumnal kiss in the air.

As a result, I have peaked early with soup making and all things cosy. Tonight I lit a candle and snuggled in bed with a new book. It was a tapered candle and I haven’t lit it for a while. As I sat on my bed the candle was struggling to breathe and so I gently tipped it slightly to release some of the melted wax, this worked for a little while but soon I was looking at a tiny blue glow, barely a flame. As I watched it struggle decided whether it would rescue itself or need me to ‘tip and release’ a metaphor of life came into mind.

Often, as adults we know what we need and often it’s a basic need that is usually achievable – less sugar, a glass of water, more movement and exercise, better quality sleep, taking time for self care or perhaps just a shower. There are certainly days when I know I’d feel a thousand percent better if I just had a shower and yet like myself starring at the struggling blue glow of the candle. We don’t do it? I tell myself I’ll wake up earlier and make time to hair wash and style, I then don’t and wake panicked with a ridiculous list of things to be achieved by 7:30am and the shower becomes a task moved to later in the day, I then have to do something with the now greasy hair and leave the house flustered and feeling like the 1970s John Travolta look isn’t in my self esteems best interest.

If it was just a shower, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad but there are certainly days and sometimes longer periods of time when just like the struggling candle we find ourselves out of balance, dehydrated, perhaps not even making time to eat and if we do we’ve not grabbed anything of any nutritious contents, we struggling to breathe and let we know what we need…here comes the crazy part, if it were a friend or loved one we would absolutely make them prioritise the shower, we’d create them something to eat, we’d encourage an early night but most of all, we’d tip the candle for a little longer and let it breathe. So I did. The flame grew and suddenly from a struggling glow came a large and substantial flame. The candle was living its best life, I was experiencing the candle living its best life. The world became fuller somehow and I couldn’t stop smiling. I’d known all along what it needed, I just watched it struggle, hoping it might ‘sort itself out’ which is ridiculous.

As you step into a new week, listen to your internal voice. Allow yourself the love and support and give yourself what you need. Whilst not always possible, often a step towards your need is a leap for ‘candle-kind’, don’t be a drowning candle, light up the world for yourself and those around you.

Sleep is an investment not an expense

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Classical music has many super powers. It fires up our neurone pathways and can increase memory, reduce stress and in 2020 The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra did a study that concluded that classical vibes increased our overall wellbeing. The list of benefits goes on and the research is plentiful.

Many parents have played classical music to their infants as a way of helping them to soothe and sleep and research suggests it makes babies smarter. Mozart is the most popular and can be heard on many baby products for this reason and is due to its frequency’s and pitch. The playlists for Mozarts sleep inducing sounds are endless on platforms such as Spotify. However, today I wanted to share newer research around helping children and adults on the Autistic spectrum to get to sleep.

A neurotypical brain will generally slow down before sleeping, with periods of silence before slumber, calming music, scents and ambience all helping to soothe our senses and prepare for sleep. However, neurodivergent brains never slow down and are rarely silent making sleep a common issue for parents of autistic children.

This is because the silence and the calming background makes the autistic persons brain ‘even louder’, it’s common for parents to report that their neurological babies often slept best at loud family gatherings or crowded scenarios than in the calm and relaxed environment of their bedroom, whilst white noise can sometimes help, the ever active autistic brain is always active and loud.

Lack of sleep or poor sleep hygiene will often lead to antisocial behaviour and a quick temperament, as the brain has not fulfilled its need for good quality REM sleep.

The solution it seems for autism sleepers is a variation of tempo and frequency. Rachmanioff is a great choice – he’s sound whilst still within the classic genre are much ‘busier’ and give the brain so many aspects to listen to that autistic sleeper is stimulated and can then turn off their internal dialogue which allows them to fall to sleep far quicker and with little effort.

If you live with an Autistic teen and perhaps classic music isn’t their ‘vibe’ then some dubstep music can have similar results in helping them to transcend to a good nights sleep quickly and with little fuss. Sleep hygiene is important for all our wellbeing’s, both mentally, physical and so we can emotionally regulate. For once, I hope this post sends you to sleep and please feel free to share the article if you think someone in your universe may benefit from trying some of the ideas.

If you find yourself in the wrong story…leave

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote by Mo Willems

Most of us are so caught up in the everyday charades of routine and the running machine of life, that we forget that we can simply step off of the treadmill and take up a new activity.

Some of us bought into a blue print sold to us by our parents of marriage, children, house purchasing and careers that we simply referred to the guidance and advice and followed the manual. Others rebelled, disappearing with a back pack and sturdy boots for company and returning years later with tattoos, tales and a smile.

Sometimes it’s easy to see the big life moments that we either don’t wish to be part of anymore like climbing corporate ladders and marriages that have evolved into strangers, but like joy is often found in the small moments, sometimes we need to edit the smaller parts of our life.

Today I went to the dump (you can call it a recycling centre if it makes you happier) as we had some old curtains that needed to be put to rest. They had been in a pile that had been moved around the house for several weeks and I decided that I would put my best adult face on and take them to their resting place. This blog is dedicated to why that was a huge mistake.

As an independent woman I popped the curtains (heavier than you’d think) in the boot of my car and made my way to the dump.

Arriving with a small wait and queue (it’s England after all) I drove into the car space and started to exit the vehicle. A man in high viz ran over to me and said ‘you need to reverse in’ I paused and explained that I was putting some items in the fabric area on the other side of the dump and thus my boot was facing that direction. He paused and explained I couldn’t do that, that it was the rules and I had to reverse in. I politely asked why and he simply replied ‘it’s just the rules’

I reversed my car as asked, got out and took some of the curtains from my boot. As I walked over to the material area, I saw another sign that explained all material needed to be in a plastic liner before going in…my seven foot curtains were never going to fit in a bin liner? I looked over to Mr high viz…we then exchanged a glance that said ‘I know I’m breaking the plastic bag rule, let’s keep this between ourselves’ the mutual glance confirmed I could continue. Completing the ‘final curtain’ I got back in my vehicle, Mr High Viz could breathe, I could breathe. It was that moment that I reflected on why I never came here

  1. I don’t like rules that make no sense
  2. The Mr adores the dump and it gives him ‘satisfaction’
  3. I don’t like how everyone acts like ants with their heads down and nobody smiles
  4. The Mr loves that nobody interacts

I came home and proudly announced that I’d ’dropped the curtains off to the dump’ to the Mr. As I waited for my praise and potential award he said ‘did you reverse in?’

How did he know? I explained that actually I hadn’t and that I’d asked Mr High Viz why this was, the Mr then gave me a long lecture (with no actual explanation) on dump etiquette, that he was going to take them tomorrow and that as the conversation continued it became apparent that I wasn’t going to receive an award or even a thanks for my efforts. It was at this moment that I made a pledge to never return to the dump again. It was not fun, I didn’t feel satisfaction and I’m a natural rule breaker – we weren’t compatible. From now on, all dump adventures would be betrothed to him.

At this point, you may be a feminist who says ‘females can’ to this I simply reply ‘I did and you can, but I didn’t like it. You may also be a satisfied dump legend like the Mr, in which case I believe I should apologise for my naivety. However, what I did learn is that the dump isn’t for me and my skillset. I will never visit the place and with this edit to my story I’ll be all the more happier for it. Of course, some places like supermarkets you have to go (if you want to eat) but I believe that where this is a will there is a way, and online shopping might solve this.

Don’t go to places you don’t want to, don’t hang around with people who don’t make you smile. This precious life is yours to edit. One of my Dads best quotes to me is ‘if you don’t want to babes, nobody can make you’ and I think he’s right, another great line is ‘you can never have enough napkins’ but perhaps that’s for another post. Enjoy the week ahead and if anyone has any tips for me explaining that I also missed one curtain to the Mr, so he also had to go dump I’d be grateful.