Month: September 2022

Privacy is power

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote adapted.

The full quote is ‘privacy is power. People can’t ruin what they don’t know about’ however, sometimes people can ruin things because you haven’t told them, perhaps there is a fine line between confidentiality and telling all?

Recently, the media reported moment by moment as the Queen lay in state. At times members of the royal family have been filmed during vigils and if I’m honest I’ve found it unappealing and tradition that perhaps has run its course. Celebrities have been spotted in the queue (to see the Queens coffin and to send their condolences) and have had cameras pushed in their faces, again a little distasteful in my opinion.

Living in the UK it’s a British quality and expectation to reply to questions around your wellbeing with ‘I’m fine thanks’ – clearly we aren’t all fine all of the time, but again I think the level of knowledge you share with others should be based on the relationship you have with them, whilst my partner and close family will tell you I over share, I’d like to think Ricky in my local newsagents only knows I’m fine and have a taste for Madagascan dark chocolate.

I believe that privacy is powerful in age where oversharing on a global scale (social media) has become the norm. It’s a precious gift and it often transpires that those who do over share are doing it for tangible gains; attention, sympathy or intrigue. I’m so very grateful that I grew up in an age before uploads, screen shots and even mobile phones were a thing. As I grow more and more comfortable in who I am, my purpose and the people I care for, privacy is worth it’s wait in gold. It gave me security, freedom and peace of mind…priceless.

That said, often people can keep emotional turmoil deep inside them and this can result in mental illness that can also manifest in physical debilitation.

So what can we do? To share or not to share seems to be more complex than it appears? The answer in my opinion is balance. Keep your biggest dreams and desires to yourself – work on you for you. Allow a handful of close and trusted loved ones in, share the deeper and more complex moments with them; these people (I refer to them as my tribe) can be friends or family – you get to pick, often they span various moments in your life and are clear ‘keepers’ – laugh hard with them, cry when necessary and be there for each other, check in and also share gratitude in all you have. As for the rest of the world, tell them you are fine. Walk away from people who are asking how you are for their own gain, did I mention how I’m doing?

Im fine, thanks for asking.

Heal even if they never apologised

~ Fridgesays ~ Leave a comment

Quote from Lousy Drawings

As someone who observes humans as part of my job it’s clear that we are a heavily flawed species. We are often unpredictable, hot tempered and forgetful – this combination plus the millions of other emotions makes for a humanity soup that can be both sweet and sour. I should add, it’s also why I adore observing – you never know what may unfold.

If we gave emotions objects I think happiness would be hundreds and thousands, we throw them around like confetti and perhaps every day would look like a wedding photograph. Except, when we hurt each other (mentally or physically) imagine we exchanged bricks. Then we’d struggle to enjoy the confetti because we were holding on to bricks. In this metaphor they would literally weigh you down, in life that is also the case emotionally. Unhealed trauma and upset becomes a burden the victim carries – the words victims in this sentence is crucial; notice is often isn’t the perpetrator that holds on to the brick.

Take this scenario and crazy metaphors as a truth for a second. A friend is about to pick you up and take you out for lunch. You’re excited for these plans and have moved other things to make these lunch plans happen. You’re dressed up ready to go and have filled your pockets with confetti when you hear a knock at the door, you open the door but can’t see your friend, instead there is a brick on your doorstep. On the brick is a label that says ‘Sorry, something came up – speak soon’ …at this point you can decide to leave the brick to one side appreciating that there is more to this story, or you can hold the brick close. Perhaps this friend has done this many times before and you feel hurt and abandoned…you now own a brick. Every time other people mention this friend, or your partner asks how lunch went you pick up this brick.

Surely most of you reading this are now thinking ‘put the brick down and forgive the friend’…the problem is that not all unhealed trauma is a choice to pick up, sometimes the bricks are trust upon us in childhood, addiction breeze blocks form – walls are built up over time and for many readers you may be reflecting that you could open a builders merchants with your metaphorical bricks.

I had a similar brick issue in my twenties. In my experience the friend apologised for the bricks she had given me. However, I was too tired from carrying the bricks, hurt and not ready to hear the apology. I threw a few bricks back but ultimately I still have a good sized lump of concrete with her name on it. Letting it go is sometimes extremely easy to say and unbelievably difficult to do.

Healing from minor or complex trauma is challenging, that’s why so many continue to build walls out of them through life. However, only you can decide what to do with your unhealed issues. Only you can release yourself from the burden. I’m not always sure an apology can solve the issue?

The relationship you have with your self is the most important of all. This week take sometime to prioritise how you deal with events as they unfold, can you look at it through a confetti landscape or are you collecting bricks likes Hadrians Wall. Others can support you to heal but only you can let go of the issue.